Swing of the Century

Remember THE CHAT from my previous post? It happened. Since it happened, I haven't been able to sleep because of all the feels...but let me back up a bit and tell the story properly.

Wednesday afternoon I got into my car to go meet S from Jocks Inc. I was feeling pretty good - I mean, I had absolutely nothing to lose at this point, I had a plan in my head to keep control over the conversation, and I had a mental checklist of points that I wanted to make. Nothing to be nervous about whatsoever.

But. 

As I neared the coffee shop where the meeting was to take place, the nerves came tromping in like latecomers to a classical music performance, shuffling and snorting and rattling and generally causing a disturbance to all the organized thoughts that had shown up on time and were sitting quietly. As the nerves settled into their front row seats, lots of the organized thoughts got pissed off and left...and as I took my seat across from S (who did not match the mental picture I had of him AT ALL), the only thing I really wanted to accomplish was to not projectile vomit onto his shirt. 

After the usual pleasantries had been exchanged, S launched into kind of a boring diatribe about finding the right fit for the company and blah blah blah. I don't remember much of that part of the conversation except that I wondered what on earth that stuff could possibly have to do with me since I had already been rejected on somewhat questionable grounds, and I was also busy trying to scrape some intelligent thoughts back together. Then he thanked me for writing the letter and commented that it must have really taken a lot of strength and courage to write it, and that it gave him some context in which to place the feedback that he'd heard from the two guys who had met with me - namely that there was a disconnect between the skill and experience that I had demonstrated and my physical appearance. 

"Obviously, we both know what the problem is." 

Right. And with that comment, all my organized thoughts came back. And you know what? We had a really great discussion about what's wrong with the fitness industry (lots), about mindset, work ethic, coaching, flexing to accommodate different personalities, how to best help the people who need it most (the people who are LEAST likely to walk in the door). I was brutally honest and I didn't hold back one bit, and it felt really good to just come out and say it all and have an open conversation. Some things he said irked me - he asked me if I had worked with a dietitician (of course I have) and if I was willing to give that another shot. At one point he commented that "at least (I was) doing something about it". Toward the middle of the conversation he said, "I have one more question for you, and it's a sensitive one: how do I sell you to clients?" To which I said, I've walked a mile in just about everyone's shoes at this point. I've been overweight, out of shape, in shape, strong, weak, I've gone through pregnancy, childbirth, I've juggled being a working mom who's trying to find time to fit it all in, I've been a competitive athlete and a total couch potato, I've struggled through depression and low self-esteem, injuries, menopause, eating clean consistently and eating shit consistently. I know how to train and coach and I'm good at my job and my track record speaks for itself regardless of what's below my shoulders at this moment. He asked me if I was comfortable sharing my story with clients, with other trainers and other gym members....to which I said, absolutely - I have nothing to hide; in fact I have already put all my baggage on the internet for the entertainment of all!

From there the conversation drastically changed course. He asked me where I was at as far as career development and headspace were concerned.

Then he asked me what my salary expectation was. And started telling me all about their benefits plan, expectations of trainers, and what I should expect of them as an employer. And what kind of hours did I want to work, keeping in mind that work/life balance is important?  I was taken aback by this and told him so...I was not expecting to answer job interview-type questions; I figured that door was closed. 

After a good two hours of conversation, S thanked me for creating an environment where we could talk freely about stuff without being awkward or embarrassed, and confessed that he had been extremely nervous and uncomfortable going into this meeting. He wanted to think about whether or not there was a fit between Jocks Inc. and me, and said I had given him lots to consider...and that was that.

It felt good to be heard, it really did. And whether or not it pans out, I figure it doesn't matter because I've said what I needed to say. That we are all SO MUCH MORE than what we appear to be on the surface, and the fitness industry forgets about that sometimes. It's so busy marketing sex appeal and superficial bullshit that it forgets that what's important is living life, feeling good, and nuturing good relationships,especially with ourselves. And to be ABLE to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at us.

Ok Society, I am coming for your broken ass!

Summer can be a slow time for the training business. Especially if you try and start a training business in the spring, and don't give yourself enough time to build before the summer months kick your business in the tenders....which is why, a few weeks ago, I gave up and put some resumes out.

I was scared, you see, and feeling pretty beaten. I wanted some security back. I didn't feel like swimming upstream anymore.

Anyway, one of the people I contacted was the manager of a local training studio who had tried to recruit me in the past. In spite of being on holidays, he immediately arranged for me to come in and meet his assistant. That went great - conversation flowed easily and by the end of the hour we were discussing how I'd bring my clients in and when I'd start. He booked a job shadowing session with one of their senior trainers so that they could check out how I train and test my skills.

That day went well too - the trainer had seen my resume and commented that he thought I had a lot to offer and that he wouldn't mind learning a few things from me. I also met the head honcho of the company that day, but only in passing. I left that day feeling excited about this new opportunity, relieved that I wouldn't have to work alone anymore, and happy that I'd be able to take the financial stress of starting a business off my family.

Except that after that, I didn't get a phone call. Or an email, or a text, or message in a bottle or singing telegram or anything. A week went by.

I began to wonder if it was because the manager was still on holidays...or if I had said the wrong thing. I replayed both meetings in my head over and over again, trying to recall some hint that things had gone sideways. And there was also this niggly little nasty thought: maybe it's because I'm too fat.

Another week went by and I sent the assistant manage that had interviewed me a text - just to ask if they had made a decision either way since time was going by and I needed to get my clients booked.

No reply.

Now, I was beginning to feel pretty sure that my appearance had been the deal breaker. I voiced that idea to my mother (who has been known to be pretty outspoken when she feels that injustice is at work) and she told me in no uncertain terms that I should march in there, demand an audience with the management, and explain that the reason I'm fat is because of a hormone imbalance and ask them to reconsider.

Ugh.

I went back and forth on this idea. One side of me was mad as hell. Why should I have to explain the way I look? I don't owe anyone that. I was more than qualified for the position, did two good interviews, and if they were going to write me off due to the width of my ass rather than what's between my ears then fuck them.

On the other hand though...part of me wanted to explain myself. I am most emphatically not a couch potato who doesn't value or practice what they preach, and I also HATE it - HATE IT - when people, especially gym-ratty fitness types, look at overweight people and assume that they are not worthy of respect, or that carrying extra weight represents some kind of character flaw. Remember, folks - never put the ASS in assume!

Right then - I was gonna do it. Not to beg for a job - no freakin' way - but to explain myself and at least make them squirm a little bit. Maybe make them think for a minute before they judge someone else based on their appearance.

So here's the letter I wrote, and the response. (Names and identifying details have been changed). I'll
keep you guys posted...but here's one certainty that has come out of this: Gray Area Fitness isn't going anyplace! If nothing else this experience has taught me that the world needs a fitness studio where NO ONE gets judged, and I'm gonna make that happen.

Maybe I should go and thank those guys for reminding me what's important!


Hi S,

Hope you had a great holiday!
Since it has been two weeks since I did my shadowing session and I haven't heard back from anyone there (in spite of having left a message on July 28th), I can only assume that you guys have decided that I'm not a good fit for your company. I feel that as we all have invested the time and energy in going as far as an interview and then job shadowing, a follow up phone call or email is warranted to let me know whether or not you want to proceed with an offer of employment. I would also like the opportunity to ask what it was that I missed since evidently we are not taking that step. I felt that the interview went well - J did have me proceed to the shadowing stage so I think he was satisfied with my qualifications - and I also felt that P was happy with my skills at the job shadowing/training session.

I was excited about the chance to work with Jocks Inc. and felt like it was going to be a good fit, so I confess I am disappointed that I haven't heard back either way and the start date that I discussed with J has come and gone. Since I don't believe it was my skill set that was the deal breaker, I want to call out the elephant in the room and offer an explanation.

I know I am currently overweight and as such, do not offer up a physique that is inspiring at first glance. I also know that on the surface, nobody would choose a fat fitness trainer since it doesn't look like they value optimal health and fitness. If that is the reason why I have not been offered employment, I would invite you to please just come out and say it. I know it's awkward and not politically correct but I get that trainers *should* be leaner and look more fit than the average person who is seeking guidance from them.

On the other hand, there is always another side to the story. I have not always looked the way I do now and I don't plan to remain this way for long. To make a (very) long story short, three years ago I developed a health condition that took a really long time to diagnose, and by the time it was identified, it had progressed to the point where my whole endocrine system had crashed and I had developed severe hypothyroidism. I gained 50lbs inside of a year, and when the rapid weight gain started I had not changed my lifestyle in the least - I was training six days a week and eating clean. As the illness and the weight gain continued and I felt worse, I had to make some concessions in my training schedule in order to save energy to keep working and caring for my family. Once I started treatment (last April), however, things have slowly gotten better. Because my endocrine system had slipped so far, treating it has had to happen in several stages and I only started treatment for the hypothyroidism two weeks ago.

So, I assure you that I hold the values that I teach my clients very dear, and I love training hard and being fit. I fully expect that I will finish the Super Spartan race in Red Deer in September and I will test for my black belt in taekwondo in November, and I will look like myself again within the year.

That's my story. Maybe I should have taken time to explain that in my interview. I elected not to because part of me thinks I shouldn't have to explain the way I look, but I know we work in an appearance-centred industry (which is unfortunate) and modelling the lifestyle is part of the job.
I do think that my experience in the last year gives me a unique perspective and it can only benefit my clients further.

I am open to discussing this further if you'd like to talk about it. If not, that's okay too but I needed to put it out there. Thanks for reading!

Yours,

Hannah Gray

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for your email and your your present situation. I would also sincerely like to apologize for the disrespectful way in which this matter had been handled.
Would you still be prepared to meet with me? It will not be to offer you a position with us currently but to just chat.
S

Back in the Saddle!

Oh man, it's finally Monday!

How many times are you gonna hear that today, eh? But if you've been in these parts for any length of time you've heard me go on and on about Mondays; they are my favorite. Especially lately - this starting up a business stuff means that my brain is constantly making lists of things that have to get done - it's turned into a big gray garden hose, spewing forth a steady stream of tasks and objectives, and I have to say I am loving it. On the other hand, it's spoiled the weekends a little bit because they put a kink in the hose...apparently some other people like to, you know, NOT work on the weekends, thus forcing me to slow down.

Sounds like silliness to me! Although now that I'm self-employed, my kids are out of school, and my husband's hours are all over the map too, life has decidedly little structure. Which is great in lots of ways, but not without its pitfalls - one of which is that it's really freakin' hard to keep track of what day it is.

But not today! Today is especially special, know why? Because today is the first day of the first run of Precision Nutrition's level 2 course: a full year of learning, studying, mentoring and generally moving toward a new level of previously unheard of awesomeness. I am pretty pumped to get to be part of this!

Another thing that's pretty cool that I have added back into the mix after a long hiatus is taekwondo. It's been almost a solid year that I've been out of the game, six months since I wanted to go back, and three months since I re-joined the dojang and just never went because I was ashamed of myself...and because life was just too damn overwhelming. Well, no more! I have to say, it was quite a shock to realize that my cardio has slipped to the point where I was seeing spots following every two-minute sparring match. Even more of a shock was that it took me thirteen full minutes (thirteen!) of sitting in my car after class, staring blankly at the steering wheel before I knew for sure which way was up and what exactly that steering wheel was for. What was not a shock was that I can't effectively kick any more because my uniform is too tight, and that feeling sucks the bulls' balls. Oh well - the only way to NOT feel like that any more is to keep going and:

YES! This is an e-book written by Dr. Krista Scott-Dixon, my mentor and lead coach of the Precision Nutrition 2 course. It's amazing and inspiring and a quick read, and it makes so much sense it's ridiculous. It's hilarious, entertaining, and FREE, so what you need to do right meow is go to www.stumptuous.com and download it. The biggest take-home point that stuck in my head is, listen to your guts instead of your brains and only eat - only eat - when you're actually hungry. Crazy simple, yes, but surprisingly difficult for the certified emotional eater in this corner. Plus my guts are notorious for having shit for brains...but nobody's perfect.

And on that note:

This also happened. This is a Black Bottom cheesecake (read: rum/dark chocolate) that an old university buddy asked me to make for his mom's birthday. Now, this isn't any old cheesecake (not that I EVER make "any old cheesecake") because he specifically requested some special Austrian rum that was steeped in family tradition.

So there's me in my kitchen, mixing up cheesecake batter. I pour out some rum to add, but as it falls into the measuring cup I notice it's a strange reddish color, not like the golden brown spiced rums I've used before...so I figure I'd better taste it so I know what's going into my cake. I take a sip. It burns my lips, then warms my whole body, and then, one by one, my toes shoot off like fiery little rockets. I smell smoke and, reaching up, notice my hair is on fire. I gasp, then with one fiery exhale, engulf my entire house in flames.

That didn't really happen, of course. What did happen though, when my eyes stopped watering and I got my breath back, was that I read the side of the bottle. It said,

"80% Alcohol"

80%?? Eighty?! Holy crap. I cut the amount of rum that I had planned to add in half, and still ended up with one seriously strong-tasting cake. Haven't heard the verdict from the birthday party yet but I hope they liked it. I'll keep you posted!

My Fridge Smells Like Farts! And other summer delights.

How many of you have heard that one before? It's true, but there are some pitfalls to watch out for.
For instance, a couple of days ago I did some batch cooking, as is my custom a couple of days a week. I made a batch of chicken breasts, steamed some broccoli and kale, and hard-boiled a dozen eggs. I also blended a couple of pounds of spinach and froze it into an ice cube tray for morning smoothies (if you haven't had a chocolate protein shake with spinach and banana for breakfast, you haven't really lived - try it and I promise you will feel like a superhero until at least noon! Recipe below). I also filled up the house with awesome fresh fruit and veggies for snacking and there, I made a grave miscalculation. Note to self: avoid Costco on days that Organic Box comes, or I will find myself with more fruit and veggies than will fit in the fridge.

So now, I have a fridge packed full of healthy meals and snacks, a dining room table with a veritable mountain of delicious fruit on it as well as avocados, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, and onions. Because it's July, I also have an EPIC fruit fly infestation of horror movie-like proportions.

What to do about fruit flies? People ask me that question on a pretty daily basis so clearly I'm not alone...although what I have going right now eclipses past fruit fly seasons exponentially. The answer is, not much. Oh sure, you can spend time making gooey traps in jars with funnels, which really look lovely and smell even better. But it won't get rid of them. The little assholes will just hide in your drains, garbage cans, bathrooms or wherever else there might be delicious rottenness. What you can do to keep the population under control is bleach all your drains, clean all of the garbage cans, and put all your produce in the fridge for a few days. A fruit fly's full life cycle lasts about three days given a plentiful food supply - take that away and they will mostly die out. Mostly.

But it only takes one kid to leave an apple core behind the computer monitor and they'll be back in force. Don't worry though, soon as fall hits they will be gone again! I find that the most effective fruit fly mitigation technique is a perception adjustment: we could have cockroaches. Or rats.

Fruit flies? Psh - no big deal.

There's a special opportunity that presents itself when you have a fridge full of hard-boiled eggs and steamed greens. You can either embrace your inner eleven-year-old and take advantage of the prank potential here, or hate every minute of it...but chances are if you fight it then you're not going to enjoy preparing food in advance for too long so I would urge you to try the following:

1. Wait until your family is comfortable in the living room or dining room.

2. Open the fridge.

3. Close the fridge.

4. Wait.

5. Listen and laugh inwardly as shrieks of "you FARTED! Eeewwww, you STINK!" "Me?! That was YOU! I HEARD you!" start drifting in from wherever they are.

6. Laugh out loud as they all start beating on each other.

7. Go break it up before someone sustains an injury.

8. Repeat.

Hannah's Greenish Morning Superhero Shake

2 cups fresh spinach
1/4c water

Blend thoroughly in a Magic Bullet or powerful blender.


Add:
1 scoop chocolate protein powder
1 scoop greens powder (for this shake I like Genuine Health's Greens + extra energy in Cappucino flavour)
1 tbsp. Cocoa

Blend again.

Add:
1 frozen banana
Fill the rest of the cup with coffee or water

Blend again and enjoy!

Hey! Point That Glue Gun Someplace Else!

6 down, 69 to go.

Let's talk about....THIGHS. Thighs are great. They deserve WAAAAYYY more love than we women typically give them. We stress, we bitch and complain, we want muscle definition, we want a 'thigh gap' (well, some of us do), less cellulite, blah blah blah. My thighs have a lot of fat on them; that's where weight seems to want to go when I gain...but they also have lots of muscle and they are the reason I can lift lots of heavy shit. If anyone ever decides to eat me, my thighs are gonna be DELICIOUS.

My big thighs are hard to shop for, though - that's something that doesn't change whether I'm 50lbs heavier than I am now, or 50lbs lighter (been both places, trust me). Whenever I go shopping, I have to repeat over and over to myself "I will not but stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes" and when I succeed at that, I end up getting irritated with the whole process and storming out empty-handed. This problem is exacerbated in the summer since shorts are out of the question (until the hungry-ass look gets cool which seems unlikely) and skirts or dresses, even though they look lovely, feel horrific. Ever imagined what it would feel like to take a glue gun and glue your thighs together with hot glue? That's what wearing a skirt feels like in the summer. Show me a full-figured woman in one of those pretty, breezy long skirts and I'll show you a woman who is dying a little on the inside.

Speaking of dying on the inside, I took my kids swimming at the outdoor pool yesterday, and -

We had a blast. Now, I've been feeling fairly large and conspicuous lately but I refuse to put life on
hold and deprive my kids of going swimming outdoors in the summer, just because I'm not
comfortable in my own skin. What am I teaching my children if I hide at home and let my own body issues win?  So I gritted my teeth and squeezed myself into my swimming suit. 'I don't have to like this but I'm not doing it for me', I told myself. 'Just smile and fake it until you feel better.' And hey, guess what? That actually worked. Was I the hottest chick on the pool deck? Hell no. Did that make the slightest bit of difference? It sure didn't. It was a good lesson.

What would Lao Tzu do?

Clearly Lao Tzu did not have a weight problem. I mean, besides the obvious ethnic and circumstantial stuff that would dictate that he probably maintained a weight of about 94lbs for his entire life (give or take a few ounces here and there), anyone who can smugly proclaim that

doesn't need to worry about that first step depositing half a metric ton of pressure on his joints. He probably didn't get up in the morning and feel every step he took the day before in his hips and knees and ankles...and more to the point, he didn't waste any time wondering if he was even worth the effort, he just went. Part of me thinks he probably could have used a punch in the solar plexus but I guess since that's not an option I'll have to settle for grudging acquiescence.

It's been kind of a heavy couple of weeks, in every sense of the word. I am actually dizzy from swinging back and forth between feeling psyched about starting this new chapter - new personal project, new business, new everything - and feeling paralyzed with fear and doubt. But hey, fear and doubt and I are old buddies! We're comfortable together! We don't have to put up any pretenses in each other's company and they are the ones I run to when the going gets tough...but it's time to make some new friends - some that challenge me and make me better for being in their company. Yeah, it'll be uncomfortable for a while, but we'll just have to get used to each other!

So we're gonna do this. It'll be fun. Lots of you have written to tell me you're with me on this so I have something special in the works for all of you awesome sauces...and if you haven't written to me but want in, drop me a line! My email is always open.

Right then - to the brutally honest stuff: I'd be lying if I said being inside my head hasn't been freaking exhausting lately, although actually moving forward has been a welcome change. I spent this week re-learning how to behave myself (and we shall see tomorrow how well I did when I get on the horrid little platform in the bathroom that measures my self-worth...ha ha! Did I really just say that? Oh dear, definitely some work to do in that department), re-visiting some old favorite recipes (zucchini pasta ftw!!), and, when I got tired of wearing grooves in my brain with THINKING, I put on some youtube chef tutorials and learned to be a ninja with a kitchen knife!

Developing my knife skills is something I've always wanted to do - I love cooking and anything I can do to make my time in the kitchen more efficient is a plus...and really, whoever said violence doesn't solve anything never bashed through a pile of veggies with a really sharp knife, 'cause that shit feels AWESOME. It's an amazing stress reliever, and I have a backyard full of rhubarb to practice on. Fun!!

So what's up for this week? This week I am going to make myself feel better, dammit. It's time to stop fighting reality and go bra shopping (sorry dudes, you're here for the uncensored version) because my cups runneth over...and it's getting kinda old. For a while there I was thinking to myself that I refuse to purchase anything new to accommodate the extra weight - it wasn't supposed to stick around for long - and if I was going to move in the wrong direction then I damn well didn't deserve to feel comfortable doing it. The problem with that, though, is that it's really hard to get a good workout in a bra that doesn't fit. And you know what else sucks? It's really hard to ENJOY a good workout when you're feeling bad about falling out of your bra all over the place, or beating yourself up over back fat.

The sheer ridiculousness of that noise just hit me. Seriously? I've allowed my hang ups to interfere with the joy I derive from the very activity that will move me toward what I want? Tell me how that makes any sense. It's messed up, yo.

Well, no more.

Okay guys, tell me what you're gonna do for yourself this week!

Tipping Point

One of the first things I ask new training clients is, "what made you walk in that door/pick up the phone that first time?"
Because I want to know about the tipping point. That moment when suddenly the status quo is intolerable and change is inevitable. Lots of people try and get started on a lifestyle change before that, and that's ok - it's part of the process. Often those false starts are motivated by anger (I can't stand being this way for another minute!) or fear (the doctor says I'm going to die unless I fix my lifestyle!) or feelings of hopelessness (I can't do this on my own...please, please do it for me!) and although I NEVER think those attempts are wasted, they usually don't stick. Still, they are opportunities to educate, to support, and to build a relationship (and the relationship is something that does usually stick) so that that person has the tools at hand when the tipping point happens.

And incidentally? People who are doing the false-start thang, and there are LOTS of them, are the ones that assholes like Dr. Oz prey on. People who are looking for a quick fix, who are overwhelmed by the enormity of what has to happen in order to feel good again. Well, boys and girls, you know what the closest thing to magic is?

That tipping point. That's the moment when the pain goes away. When all the frustration, guilt, resentment, fear, anger, shame, and all the other nasty feels melt away and all that's left is ACTION.

Wanna hear something cool? My tipping point happened the other day in the parking lot of the Bonton bakery. Right there, when those pricks threw a wrench into my plan - to go into a complete tailspin - by not being open on Sundays. When I had to stop and let the quiet little voice of reason whisper, "pssst: this isn't you. You don't really even LIKE white floury sugary stuff. What are you doing here?"

What was I doing there indeed? The answer to that question is of course, it doesn't matter. I was there and it was time to change direction. I had my doubts, as you were all witness to...but after that moment there was no point in feeling bad about it any more. It was go time.

What's also cool is that lots of you wrote in to tell me that you were in the same place (mentally - not physically or we'd still be stuck in a traffic jam in that tiny little parking lot) and offered up your support and accountability. Seems to me as though we can all use this to our advantage. Are you in? Drop me a line!

It's GIDDY UP time.