Hey! Point That Glue Gun Someplace Else!

6 down, 69 to go.

Let's talk about....THIGHS. Thighs are great. They deserve WAAAAYYY more love than we women typically give them. We stress, we bitch and complain, we want muscle definition, we want a 'thigh gap' (well, some of us do), less cellulite, blah blah blah. My thighs have a lot of fat on them; that's where weight seems to want to go when I gain...but they also have lots of muscle and they are the reason I can lift lots of heavy shit. If anyone ever decides to eat me, my thighs are gonna be DELICIOUS.

My big thighs are hard to shop for, though - that's something that doesn't change whether I'm 50lbs heavier than I am now, or 50lbs lighter (been both places, trust me). Whenever I go shopping, I have to repeat over and over to myself "I will not but stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes" and when I succeed at that, I end up getting irritated with the whole process and storming out empty-handed. This problem is exacerbated in the summer since shorts are out of the question (until the hungry-ass look gets cool which seems unlikely) and skirts or dresses, even though they look lovely, feel horrific. Ever imagined what it would feel like to take a glue gun and glue your thighs together with hot glue? That's what wearing a skirt feels like in the summer. Show me a full-figured woman in one of those pretty, breezy long skirts and I'll show you a woman who is dying a little on the inside.

Speaking of dying on the inside, I took my kids swimming at the outdoor pool yesterday, and -

We had a blast. Now, I've been feeling fairly large and conspicuous lately but I refuse to put life on
hold and deprive my kids of going swimming outdoors in the summer, just because I'm not
comfortable in my own skin. What am I teaching my children if I hide at home and let my own body issues win?  So I gritted my teeth and squeezed myself into my swimming suit. 'I don't have to like this but I'm not doing it for me', I told myself. 'Just smile and fake it until you feel better.' And hey, guess what? That actually worked. Was I the hottest chick on the pool deck? Hell no. Did that make the slightest bit of difference? It sure didn't. It was a good lesson.

What would Lao Tzu do?

Clearly Lao Tzu did not have a weight problem. I mean, besides the obvious ethnic and circumstantial stuff that would dictate that he probably maintained a weight of about 94lbs for his entire life (give or take a few ounces here and there), anyone who can smugly proclaim that

doesn't need to worry about that first step depositing half a metric ton of pressure on his joints. He probably didn't get up in the morning and feel every step he took the day before in his hips and knees and ankles...and more to the point, he didn't waste any time wondering if he was even worth the effort, he just went. Part of me thinks he probably could have used a punch in the solar plexus but I guess since that's not an option I'll have to settle for grudging acquiescence.

It's been kind of a heavy couple of weeks, in every sense of the word. I am actually dizzy from swinging back and forth between feeling psyched about starting this new chapter - new personal project, new business, new everything - and feeling paralyzed with fear and doubt. But hey, fear and doubt and I are old buddies! We're comfortable together! We don't have to put up any pretenses in each other's company and they are the ones I run to when the going gets tough...but it's time to make some new friends - some that challenge me and make me better for being in their company. Yeah, it'll be uncomfortable for a while, but we'll just have to get used to each other!

So we're gonna do this. It'll be fun. Lots of you have written to tell me you're with me on this so I have something special in the works for all of you awesome sauces...and if you haven't written to me but want in, drop me a line! My email is always open.

Right then - to the brutally honest stuff: I'd be lying if I said being inside my head hasn't been freaking exhausting lately, although actually moving forward has been a welcome change. I spent this week re-learning how to behave myself (and we shall see tomorrow how well I did when I get on the horrid little platform in the bathroom that measures my self-worth...ha ha! Did I really just say that? Oh dear, definitely some work to do in that department), re-visiting some old favorite recipes (zucchini pasta ftw!!), and, when I got tired of wearing grooves in my brain with THINKING, I put on some youtube chef tutorials and learned to be a ninja with a kitchen knife!

Developing my knife skills is something I've always wanted to do - I love cooking and anything I can do to make my time in the kitchen more efficient is a plus...and really, whoever said violence doesn't solve anything never bashed through a pile of veggies with a really sharp knife, 'cause that shit feels AWESOME. It's an amazing stress reliever, and I have a backyard full of rhubarb to practice on. Fun!!

So what's up for this week? This week I am going to make myself feel better, dammit. It's time to stop fighting reality and go bra shopping (sorry dudes, you're here for the uncensored version) because my cups runneth over...and it's getting kinda old. For a while there I was thinking to myself that I refuse to purchase anything new to accommodate the extra weight - it wasn't supposed to stick around for long - and if I was going to move in the wrong direction then I damn well didn't deserve to feel comfortable doing it. The problem with that, though, is that it's really hard to get a good workout in a bra that doesn't fit. And you know what else sucks? It's really hard to ENJOY a good workout when you're feeling bad about falling out of your bra all over the place, or beating yourself up over back fat.

The sheer ridiculousness of that noise just hit me. Seriously? I've allowed my hang ups to interfere with the joy I derive from the very activity that will move me toward what I want? Tell me how that makes any sense. It's messed up, yo.

Well, no more.

Okay guys, tell me what you're gonna do for yourself this week!

Tipping Point

One of the first things I ask new training clients is, "what made you walk in that door/pick up the phone that first time?"
Because I want to know about the tipping point. That moment when suddenly the status quo is intolerable and change is inevitable. Lots of people try and get started on a lifestyle change before that, and that's ok - it's part of the process. Often those false starts are motivated by anger (I can't stand being this way for another minute!) or fear (the doctor says I'm going to die unless I fix my lifestyle!) or feelings of hopelessness (I can't do this on my own...please, please do it for me!) and although I NEVER think those attempts are wasted, they usually don't stick. Still, they are opportunities to educate, to support, and to build a relationship (and the relationship is something that does usually stick) so that that person has the tools at hand when the tipping point happens.

And incidentally? People who are doing the false-start thang, and there are LOTS of them, are the ones that assholes like Dr. Oz prey on. People who are looking for a quick fix, who are overwhelmed by the enormity of what has to happen in order to feel good again. Well, boys and girls, you know what the closest thing to magic is?

That tipping point. That's the moment when the pain goes away. When all the frustration, guilt, resentment, fear, anger, shame, and all the other nasty feels melt away and all that's left is ACTION.

Wanna hear something cool? My tipping point happened the other day in the parking lot of the Bonton bakery. Right there, when those pricks threw a wrench into my plan - to go into a complete tailspin - by not being open on Sundays. When I had to stop and let the quiet little voice of reason whisper, "pssst: this isn't you. You don't really even LIKE white floury sugary stuff. What are you doing here?"

What was I doing there indeed? The answer to that question is of course, it doesn't matter. I was there and it was time to change direction. I had my doubts, as you were all witness to...but after that moment there was no point in feeling bad about it any more. It was go time.

What's also cool is that lots of you wrote in to tell me that you were in the same place (mentally - not physically or we'd still be stuck in a traffic jam in that tiny little parking lot) and offered up your support and accountability. Seems to me as though we can all use this to our advantage. Are you in? Drop me a line!

It's GIDDY UP time.

The Ugly Truth

So this morning I got on the scale and saw a number I haven't seen in a long time. Like, we're talking 'previous life before kids, before exercise, before MARRIAGE' kind of long. If I'm honest I kinda knew what was coming. I've been feeling shitty about myself for a long time. I dread getting dressed in the morning because my clothes don't fit. I don't go to places where I'll see people I know because I know what they're going to think. I don't market my personal training business - my career that I love - because clearly I'm a fraud. I don't let my husband touch me because I can't possibly be deserving of affection.

I knew it was coming. But that didn't make it sting any less.

So how did I handle it?

Well, first I crawled into bed and cried. Then I took a deep breath, stood up, and decided that it's time to disappear off the face of the earth. Time to give up on my career in fitness and get a menial job (ideally one where I'll never run into anyone I know), delete my personal and professional Facebook pages, take down my website and my blog. Time to give up on trying to make myself better, time to buy some bigger clothes and quit hoping my existing wardrobe will fit again one day.

I decided to get on all that stuff as soon as I dropped my kid off at her scheduled play date. Which was good because I could stop at the bakery on the way home and pick up some delicious blobs of sugary white flour to help make the pain go away. Fuck it all. Fuck trying. Fuck the everyday struggle of trying to be something I'm not. This is who I am: I am a fat person and I cannot be anything else.

Except that today is Sunday and when I got to the bakery it was closed.

Okay, I thought. I'll go to the grocery store and get junk food. But then, as I sat in the bakery parking lot, it occurred to me that the other option was to do the brave thing and NOT hide from the whole world. I could do the opposite and put it all out there: the shame, the uncertainty, the feelings of inadequacy...and just maybe, I could use my experience to help someone else get through this too. That's why I became a personal trainer in the first place, right? Because I know firsthand how this feels? So what am I doing here a second time??

I sat in the parking lot of the Bonton bakery for a while. I don't remember how long. Wearing my husband's biggest sweats even though it was 22 degrees outside. I decided to do the right thing and find the courage to put all this out there. Maybe I'll help someone struggling with the same problem. Maybe I'll change the way someone thinks about fat people. Maybe I won't do any good at all, but that doesn't matter as long as I try.

So here it is: I have 75lbs to lose. I don't know if I have the strength in me to tackle this again and honestly it feels pretty overwhelming at this point. But like it or not, if I don't do something about it I'll be setting a bad example for my daughters. I'll have to find a new career. And if I don't find some peace with myself I'm afraid of what will happen...so I will find my sense of humour, my spine, and dammit I will take my big girl pants OFF so that I can start enjoying life again.

So if you're reading this, help me out and make some noise! I want to hear from you.

Find the answers here.

Hey - want to change your body? I don't have the answers. What I do have is the questions.

Body composition change (and by that I mean, in most cases, fat loss; but for the people reading who want to gain weight or get past disordered eating patterns) is hard to do. People ask me all the time what I think about this diet plan or that pill or so-and-so's new app or little magic doohickey that will do it all for you. Here's the absolute truth, as far as I can see:

Everything works, sometimes, for the right people. Everything is a load of shit, sometimes, if it's not right for you, for right now.

Ha ha, how's that for ambiguity?

I thought so! So what's a person to do if they want to make a change? For starters, ask yourself these questions. You could go a step further and write the answers down somewhere to refer back to if and when you get lost...and be warned: this is a lengthy, fluid process. Your answers might change before your eyes. But I PROMISE: a lasting physical improvement is dependent on knowing the answers to these questions. Anyone can do a 'diet' for a while and then go back to 'normal'. Changing your life requires some work.

1. Who are you? Have some fun with this one - maybe do some art work or a collage, but brainstorm. No right or wrong answers.

2. What are your core values? Another tough question, but again, your core values are what drive you so it's good to know what they are. Here's a good place to start: www.becomingwhoyouare.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Discover-Your-Values-.pdf

3. What are your greatest strengths? Once you've got those down, how can you play to them more? How do you express your pride in them? If you're having trouble, try here: www.viacharacter.org

4. What are your weaknesses? Now, imagine that you have a little child - a five-year-old version of you - in your care who exhibits those weaknesses. How are you going to build up that scared little kid so that he or she is aware of those weaknesses but secure enough to face the world in a constructive way? This is a biggie, because how you choose to deal with stress or discomfort has a direct link to your body composition. Know your weaknesses. Once you are aware of them, find a way to love them. They need love more than your strengths do.

5. Who's yo' Daddy? And yo' Momma? Take a good hard look at the generation before you. What behaviours regarding food, exercise, and health did you grow up with? What beliefs about yourself did they instill in you? How did you celebrate in your family? What do you think of when you remember being comforted as a kid? Now, we are all grown ups here and responsible for ourselves so I'm not asking you to place blame or shift responsibility. Just like in #4, awareness is what we're looking for here. Also, history does tend to repeat itself. Forewarned is forearmed!

6. How do you feel? Right now. How about if you have to spend some time in a waiting room...without your phone? Can you sit still and be okay with just being for, say, ten minutes? Try it. Set a timer. I'll wait.

Ok, how do you feel now? Sleepy? Where did your brain go during that ten minutes? If you're tired, you may need more sleep. In fact, most people are pretty sleep deprived and that plays a big part in our collective stress levels and body composition problems.

7. What are you looking for in a changed body? Imagine that you've met your physical goals. What do you look like? How does it feel? What would you do differently from day to day?

There are two things I am looking for here: one is, is that imaginary version of you actually YOU? Is it an improved version of yourself, or is it someone else? Before you start down this path, make sure your expectations are realistic. For example, I have wide shoulders, big joints, and wide hands and feet. I will never be dainty. I will never have a ballet dancer's body no matter what I do, so trying to get to that size 0-2 is not a realistic goal. Trying to get there would just be setting myself up for a whole bunch of misery because it's not me.

Your better physique needs to be a better version of YOU.

The second piece of this puzzle has to do with your perception of yourself: what will it feel like? How will you live differently on a daily basis? What's stopping you from living like that right now? And, if you have a date or occasion in mind that you really want to be spectacular for...what would happen if that was tomorrow? Would you be okay with showing up as you are now?

8. What do you like? This may seem like a pretty innocuous question, but bear with me for a second, because although you are for sure going to find some new things to like doing and eating and being, there may be things that you have to say goodbye to. For a little while, anyway. And if you're serious about making lasting improvements that stick, you may need to be ready to hear (and take) some advice that may not feel awesome at first.

9. How did you get to the point where you need to make a change? Take a stroll through recent memory - was there a specific point in your life where things started to go wrong? Life milestones such as death of a family member, birth, marriage, divorce, moving, injury, etc. all put mileage on our minds and bodies. Having a close look at how you deal with life's upheavals can give valuable insight into how you deal with stress from day to day - and I don't just mean the negative stuff. Celebrating can be just as hard on the waistline as grieving.

10. Who's your best friend? This sounds like an odd question to leave for last, but it may just be the most important one. The question that ties all the others together. Know why?

Because your best friend should be the person staring back at you when you look in the mirror. If you can find a way to love yourself you'll be on your way to not needing those destructive behaviour patterns to deal with the curve balls that life chucks your way. But it's HARD. That's why the diet industry is so full of woo and shit and quick fixes that don't work. Nothing will work for you until you are good and ready. The good news is that when you are ready, a moderate, varied whole-food diet and a sensible exercise plan is all you need. And that's the truth.

F E A R

I'm just going to come out and say it. FEAR is stupid. It paralyzes us and keeps us from doing what we know damn well we need to do to make things happen. And for what?

There has to be some benefit to it. Evolutionarily speaking, fear is what kept us alive for a whole lot of generations. But nowadays getting eaten by larger predators is not that much of an issue, so we have started manufacturing fear for ourselves. So much so that someone came up with this lovely grammatically flawed acronym which speaks volumes about what holds us back:

It kinda looks like one of those goofy poems that all of us wrote in grade school, doesn't it? If only it weren't so freakishly astute! Let's dig into this a little deeper and pretend that we are ogres who have layers like onions.

 So. Let's play a little game and pretend that just about everyone would like to feel beautiful. Now, there are about six people in the world who are perfectly symmetrical and amazing looking from a purely empirical point of view, so we won't worry about that select few and instead we'll concentrate on the rest of us who have wonderful quirks and flaws and idiosyncrasies. Now, the majority of those people would like to change their bodies in one way or another in order to feel more attractive (and for argument's sake, I am talking exclusively about feeling more attractive to the person in the mirror, cause really, no one else matters. NO ONE.) How to accomplish that is pretty cut and dried. The know how is out there, and it is easily accessible. In fact, we are bombarded with messages about getting fit and healthy from all directions. It's easy to do. So why don't we?

Well, because it's not easy. Breaking old habits and forming new ones and changing our behaviour is hard. But why is it hard?? Why can't we just look at that beer/pizza/ice cream/poutine/insert-your-favorite-vice-here and think, "I quit. This is not going to get me what I want. I'm going to eat a can of tuna instead." Pull a layer off that onion (don't worry if it makes you cry, onions do that to everyone) and see what's there...

I can't do it.

I don't deserve it.

I won't be me.

I WILL be me.

I'll fail.

It's too much.

I don't have time.

False, false, false. Yup. All of those statements (plus a host of others) are just limiting beliefs that we hang onto...and that's totally okay because it's just part of being human. But if you're ready to let go of some of them and change your perception, the limits of what you can accomplish change considerably!

 Story time:
A couple of posts ago I told you about how I gained a whole bunch of weight really fast. It happened about six months ago and at the time I was trying to get my feet back under me after a series of traumatic events...so while my body was falling apart my brain wasn't in a place where I could deal with it in a reasonable sort of way. Honestly, I gave up on myself. I felt like I wasn't worth the effort. I came close to giving up on my career because I LOOKED and felt like I wasn't modelling the lifestyle that I value. I was paralyzed with FEAR and couldn't move forward without letting go of those baseless feelings.

And now? Now I'm in kind of an interesting place: I still have the extra weight on me (docs say it isn't going anywhere until my body starts functioning properly), but I had a light bulb moment a few weeks ago:

It doesn't matter. It doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change my values or my value as a person. Yes, I am uncomfortable with my weight right now. But I will not let FEAR hold me back anymore.

So tell me: what false perceptions are holding you back? Just identifying them as false can change how the world looks. Peel that onion - it might sting for a little while but what's underneath is sweeter!

Dog Park Workout

The riskiest part of this workout is the real possibility of getting dog shit on you. Watch out where you touch the ground and have fun!

Walk or run 1km

24 Body-weight Squats
12 Alternating forward lunges
x3

Walk or run 1km

24 1-leg Body-weight Deadlifts (12/leg)
24 Glute Bridges
x3

Walk or run 1km

12 Push Ups
24 Ab Bicycles
x3

Walk or run 1km

Side Plank, 20sec/side
15 Reverse Ab Curls

Walk or run 1km

20 Burpees (I know I know)
1 min Chair Press (lie on your back with your hips and knees at 90 degrees. Push down on your knees with your hands, and push back on your hands with your knees. Doesn't look like much but I promise it'll feel like work!)  
x3