TOO MUCH

Happy Monday morning my lovelies!

Got a pop quiz for y'all today, are you ready?

Q: How do you know when it's TOO MUCH?

The answer of course is, it depends on the situation, but generally speaking it's when the good feelings start to seep away and the bad feelings start to make their presence known - you know, not all at once or anything, but they just threaten at the sidelines. Ever gone too long without seeing your in-laws? And you know that you're going to have to do it pretty soon but you just can't make your hand grab the phone, even though you know that if you wait long enough for them to call YOU you'll never hear the end of it? And then the more you think about it the guiltier you feel? You've waited too long, 'cause at this point nothing's going to fix it now except squeezing your eyes shut and doing it.

That's too much time that has passed, my friends! And if that's never happened to you because you just can't get enough of your in-laws, well, good for you. But you know what I mean. (I should note here that really I love my in-law's too, but there has to be the right amount of space for the relationship to work.)

So that's kind of an extreme example. Let's bring it closer to home, shall we? Ever make a to-do list? I freakin' LOVE to-do lists, they calm me right down when I start feeling overwhelmed and panicky because I know there's stuff I'm supposed to be doing but I can't remember what it is.

And of course, there's an app for that: my favorite is called Clear and it is ALMOST as awesome as writing down your to-do list on the back of an old envelope...but there's a kind of beautiful tactility about violently scratching out tasks on your to-do lists with a stumpy old pencil. And then, when all you have left is an old envelope with a column of scratched-out stuff, taking that bitch and tearing it to bits and chucking it out feels GREAT. Ain't no app for that!

But today? Today that will not be happening. It didn't yesterday, either. Because, while Sunday is usually my peaceful day to get organized for the week, sometimes life puts a stick in your spokes and all you can do is roll on as best you can. Saturday evening while I was starting the preliminary stages of getting the kids to bed (which in my house invariably sounds like this: "Ok girlies, 5 minutes - finish up and turn the screens off!" "But Moooooooom, I'm in a battle!"), I started seeing squiggly lines around the periphery of my field of vision, which meant that an ocular migraine was coming and anything that I had planned to get done this weekend was going to damn well wait until my eyeballs were ready to work again.

So here we are, it's Monday morning (my absolute favorite time of the week), my head still hurts, and I have this to-do list that has TOO MUCH on it. I know it has TOO MUCH because I'm kind of afraid of it. I can't even start it. I can't even LOOK at it. If I'm not really careful I'll bumble around all day and get nothing done and then tomorrow will be even worse...but never fear - Tomorrow Girl can take care of anything!!

But instead of putting it all on Tomorrow Girl, even though she's pretty awesome, here are my strategies for getting at that TOO LONG to-do list...

1. Add some stuff to the list. I'm serious. First, add some stuff that you've ALREADY DONE. Next, add some stuff that you KNOW you can do, and do on a daily basis. Now go do some of that stuff.

2. Go back to your list and scratch that stuff out! Doesn't that feel great? Get out of bed? Check. Brush teeth? Check. Wake up kids? Feed'em breakfast? Boot their little tushies out the door to school? Check, check, check. Hell yes, you're a machine today! Work out? Check. Take the dog out for a run? Check. (See how the tasks are getting bigger? And you're a third of the way through the list already! Whoop whoop!)

3. Multi-task: my list always has phone calls to make on it...and I hate the phone. HATE IT. I will do just about anything to avoid calling people, because a) I'm actually super shy and b) I hate it when people call me because no matter what else I'm doing, I'm doing something else and don't care to be interrupted, and c) there's like a 1 in 3 chance that once I've dropped what I'm doing, found the ringing phone, and answered it, it'll actually be someone I care to talk to...which means that 2 out of three times it'll be some automated service informing me that I've won a free cruise and all I have to do is cut off my bottom lip and mail it to somewhere and thus claim my prize...anyway. Which is a long way of saying that usually, when the phone rings, I don't even bother searching for it. Where was I? Oh yeah, multitasking! So I make a deal with myself: I'll do something that involves a small time commitment and then I can leave, like a crock pot meal or laundry...THEN I'll tackle the phone calls and emails.

4. Now the big stuff. How many big projects are on your list? If there are more than two, pick two for today and put the rest on Tomorrow Girl's to-do list.

5. Take it easy. Is anyone going to die if you don't get the dishes done or your project doesn't get submitted today? If the answer is yes, better just get it done but if the answer is no, take a breather, pour a cup of coffee, and go outside and enjoy the sunshine for a little while.

Blog post: check.

Defeat and de Feet

Show your feet some love, dudes.

I'm serious. Because when your feet suddenly don't work life becomes a bitch in a lot of surprising ways.

Let me back up a little and tell you the story: just over a week ago my buddy Nancy and I headed down to Red Deer to do the Super Spartan race, a 15k obstacle race (that's 9ish miles to anyone south of the border). We didn't train for it - that would be silly - and since we did it last year we figured we knew what we were getting into. Which was true as far as the course itself was concerned...I knew I was going to be slow, you know, based on the fact that I spent the last year gaining 50lbs and fighting with my health instead of training for an endurance event. What I didn't really consider was that my feet would decide in the first half mile (800m for the Canajuns - see what I did there?) that this whole enterprise was a mistake and that my dogs would bark at me for the rest of the month for my tomfoolery.

So here's how the day went:

Mile 0.5 Realized that blisters were going to be a problem.
Mile 3 Aid Station: asked a medic for some band aids. They replied that they could give me band aids IF I was willing to fill out a form and drop out of the race. Not likely!
Mile 5 Don't think about feet don't think about feet don't think about feet don't think about feet.
Mile 5.5 Noticed blood coming through my shoes.
Mile 6 Blood has lubricated trouble spots nicely! This isn't so bad. What a beautiful day! WHEEEEE this is awesome!

Mile 8 Seeing stars. Starting to not feel very good.
Finish Line: Actually I don't remember much about the finish line except wanting to punch the volunteer who gleefully insisted that burpees don't count unless our chests touch the ground. I think those last 30 burpees took about 15 minutes.
Medical tent: walked in to ask for some band aids. Medic looked at my bleeding shoes and my ashen face and told me to sit down for an assessment. The shoes came off, and the medic actually gagged and called a couple more people over to help.

Fast forward 9 days and I still can't walk normally and I wish I could say I've learned my lesson. Well, maybe I have: gonna actually train for next year. But we got our finisher t-shirts! Fuck yeah!

So let's talk about defeat and perception thereof. I've been mulling this over lots lately given my current situation: started a business which didn't quite go as planned due to health problems and associated self-induced mental fuckwittage, accepted a job which will force me to bust through some boundaries but in the meantime is making me feel kind of...well...very conscious of my shortcomings to put it mildly (which is my issue and no one else's and I fully accept that), and it just generally feels like survival over the past six months has been like pushing an elephant up a ladder. It's getting kinda old.

 Still, (unlike the Spartan sitch) I actually did learn some really good lessons so do I chalk the whole shebang up as a fail? The pessimist in me wants to say yes but I kinda don't want to see it that way. For one thing, if I accept defeat then the door has to close and I will have to find something else to fight for. And while that part would be easy because there are a million things that are worth fighting for, there will always be this hanging what-if thing happening inside my melon. And like I said before, I don't want to - there's still work to do and things seem to be on the upswing. So on that count, lesson learned. Adversity has the potential to make us better if we let it! Gonna sign off now before I get tempted to insert trite quotes from Finding Nemo, even though it applies...

Not gonna say it!

Channelling Chris Pratt

So....it's been a while. I hardly know where to start!

 Oh wait, I know: remember how I had my little panic attack and applied for a job in a studio? And then didn't get hired? And then let the head of the company know what I thought about not getting hired?

Well, they hired me. Of course, it wasn't as easy as all that; in fact if anyone has had a bumpier start with a company I'd like to hear about it! 'Cause I tell ya, the last three weeks have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Some days I've felt awesome and totally pumped about the future, thinking that maybe I can effect some positive change in the fitness game...and I've felt totally terrible some days, feeling like getting into the health and fitness industry with my history of yo-yo diets, weight struggles, body image and confidence issues and insecurities was a huge mistake. But I've learned something important about myself, which is this: given all those deep-rooted fears and baggage and shit, and the fact that appearance-based discrimination is a very real thing (and don't get me wrong, I know it's everywhere but it really is more pervasive in the fitness industry), I was not ready to start a business. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

So, because I still have to, you know, bring home some bacon (BACON!) I took the position and I can now tell you that Jocks Inc is actually called Body by Bennett and it really isn't a bad place at all - in fact, I am quite liking it there in spite of the lead-up to how I was hired.

But now, the pressure is on: gotta lose the weight and look the part, and I have to go back to school.

This is good and bad. It's GOOD because these are things that I've wanted to do for myself forever, but haven't because....because I haven't. B3 has been great (amazing, really) about offering every type of support to help me get to where I want to be in terms of personal and professional development, and I feel really fortunate that I landed there. It's BAD because I feel like I'm not good enough and now there are all these weird feels bouncing around that weren't there before. Like, why HAVEN'T I done this? Is my comfort zone so firmly entrenched in this "I'm not good enough" state that I fear climbing out of it? I don't know anyone at work well enough to talk about it and see how public a thing all this is, which makes me very self-conscious. I want to wear a Post-It on my forehead that says "I know I know!! I'm working on it!"

So here's how I'm choosing to look at this whole self-development project, which comes courtesy of my husband who knows exactly what to say in situations like this...sometimes. Ha! Sorry Joel, that was mean. Ha ha. In all seriousness he's a pretty wise and awesome person and great to have around when life seems overwhelming, and he said "well, it's time to channel Chris Pratt - and this is your Marvel movie."

Here's what that means: someone asked Chris Pratt what his secret was to getting all jacked and amazing for Guardians of the Galaxy, and he talked for a while about really awesome things to do like changing small things and be consistent with those changes...and then he said that because he had been cast in a Marvel movie it was either get it done or get fired.

Can't argue with that logic! So this is my Marvel movie. Bring it on, then!

Something that's weird about being in new digs with new people though, is that sometimes it feels strange to work out in front of them. Of course it's my issue and I'll get used to it, but some days....Some days you just gotta go do it at home, which is totally okay too. Here's what I did today (from www.chroniclesofstrength.com) - all you need is a medium-ish kettlebell.

 Fresh off the Yacht

• 5 x 1-arm swings 
• 5 x cleans
• 5 x snatches
• 5 x jerks
• 5 x reverse lunges 

Repeat on the other side, then rest for 1-3 minutes and repeat for five rounds. That's how you get your sweat on at home, AND you get some laundry done. BOOM. 

Swing of the Century

Remember THE CHAT from my previous post? It happened. Since it happened, I haven't been able to sleep because of all the feels...but let me back up a bit and tell the story properly.

Wednesday afternoon I got into my car to go meet S from Jocks Inc. I was feeling pretty good - I mean, I had absolutely nothing to lose at this point, I had a plan in my head to keep control over the conversation, and I had a mental checklist of points that I wanted to make. Nothing to be nervous about whatsoever.

But. 

As I neared the coffee shop where the meeting was to take place, the nerves came tromping in like latecomers to a classical music performance, shuffling and snorting and rattling and generally causing a disturbance to all the organized thoughts that had shown up on time and were sitting quietly. As the nerves settled into their front row seats, lots of the organized thoughts got pissed off and left...and as I took my seat across from S (who did not match the mental picture I had of him AT ALL), the only thing I really wanted to accomplish was to not projectile vomit onto his shirt. 

After the usual pleasantries had been exchanged, S launched into kind of a boring diatribe about finding the right fit for the company and blah blah blah. I don't remember much of that part of the conversation except that I wondered what on earth that stuff could possibly have to do with me since I had already been rejected on somewhat questionable grounds, and I was also busy trying to scrape some intelligent thoughts back together. Then he thanked me for writing the letter and commented that it must have really taken a lot of strength and courage to write it, and that it gave him some context in which to place the feedback that he'd heard from the two guys who had met with me - namely that there was a disconnect between the skill and experience that I had demonstrated and my physical appearance. 

"Obviously, we both know what the problem is." 

Right. And with that comment, all my organized thoughts came back. And you know what? We had a really great discussion about what's wrong with the fitness industry (lots), about mindset, work ethic, coaching, flexing to accommodate different personalities, how to best help the people who need it most (the people who are LEAST likely to walk in the door). I was brutally honest and I didn't hold back one bit, and it felt really good to just come out and say it all and have an open conversation. Some things he said irked me - he asked me if I had worked with a dietitician (of course I have) and if I was willing to give that another shot. At one point he commented that "at least (I was) doing something about it". Toward the middle of the conversation he said, "I have one more question for you, and it's a sensitive one: how do I sell you to clients?" To which I said, I've walked a mile in just about everyone's shoes at this point. I've been overweight, out of shape, in shape, strong, weak, I've gone through pregnancy, childbirth, I've juggled being a working mom who's trying to find time to fit it all in, I've been a competitive athlete and a total couch potato, I've struggled through depression and low self-esteem, injuries, menopause, eating clean consistently and eating shit consistently. I know how to train and coach and I'm good at my job and my track record speaks for itself regardless of what's below my shoulders at this moment. He asked me if I was comfortable sharing my story with clients, with other trainers and other gym members....to which I said, absolutely - I have nothing to hide; in fact I have already put all my baggage on the internet for the entertainment of all!

From there the conversation drastically changed course. He asked me where I was at as far as career development and headspace were concerned.

Then he asked me what my salary expectation was. And started telling me all about their benefits plan, expectations of trainers, and what I should expect of them as an employer. And what kind of hours did I want to work, keeping in mind that work/life balance is important?  I was taken aback by this and told him so...I was not expecting to answer job interview-type questions; I figured that door was closed. 

After a good two hours of conversation, S thanked me for creating an environment where we could talk freely about stuff without being awkward or embarrassed, and confessed that he had been extremely nervous and uncomfortable going into this meeting. He wanted to think about whether or not there was a fit between Jocks Inc. and me, and said I had given him lots to consider...and that was that.

It felt good to be heard, it really did. And whether or not it pans out, I figure it doesn't matter because I've said what I needed to say. That we are all SO MUCH MORE than what we appear to be on the surface, and the fitness industry forgets about that sometimes. It's so busy marketing sex appeal and superficial bullshit that it forgets that what's important is living life, feeling good, and nuturing good relationships,especially with ourselves. And to be ABLE to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at us.

Ok Society, I am coming for your broken ass!

Summer can be a slow time for the training business. Especially if you try and start a training business in the spring, and don't give yourself enough time to build before the summer months kick your business in the tenders....which is why, a few weeks ago, I gave up and put some resumes out.

I was scared, you see, and feeling pretty beaten. I wanted some security back. I didn't feel like swimming upstream anymore.

Anyway, one of the people I contacted was the manager of a local training studio who had tried to recruit me in the past. In spite of being on holidays, he immediately arranged for me to come in and meet his assistant. That went great - conversation flowed easily and by the end of the hour we were discussing how I'd bring my clients in and when I'd start. He booked a job shadowing session with one of their senior trainers so that they could check out how I train and test my skills.

That day went well too - the trainer had seen my resume and commented that he thought I had a lot to offer and that he wouldn't mind learning a few things from me. I also met the head honcho of the company that day, but only in passing. I left that day feeling excited about this new opportunity, relieved that I wouldn't have to work alone anymore, and happy that I'd be able to take the financial stress of starting a business off my family.

Except that after that, I didn't get a phone call. Or an email, or a text, or message in a bottle or singing telegram or anything. A week went by.

I began to wonder if it was because the manager was still on holidays...or if I had said the wrong thing. I replayed both meetings in my head over and over again, trying to recall some hint that things had gone sideways. And there was also this niggly little nasty thought: maybe it's because I'm too fat.

Another week went by and I sent the assistant manage that had interviewed me a text - just to ask if they had made a decision either way since time was going by and I needed to get my clients booked.

No reply.

Now, I was beginning to feel pretty sure that my appearance had been the deal breaker. I voiced that idea to my mother (who has been known to be pretty outspoken when she feels that injustice is at work) and she told me in no uncertain terms that I should march in there, demand an audience with the management, and explain that the reason I'm fat is because of a hormone imbalance and ask them to reconsider.

Ugh.

I went back and forth on this idea. One side of me was mad as hell. Why should I have to explain the way I look? I don't owe anyone that. I was more than qualified for the position, did two good interviews, and if they were going to write me off due to the width of my ass rather than what's between my ears then fuck them.

On the other hand though...part of me wanted to explain myself. I am most emphatically not a couch potato who doesn't value or practice what they preach, and I also HATE it - HATE IT - when people, especially gym-ratty fitness types, look at overweight people and assume that they are not worthy of respect, or that carrying extra weight represents some kind of character flaw. Remember, folks - never put the ASS in assume!

Right then - I was gonna do it. Not to beg for a job - no freakin' way - but to explain myself and at least make them squirm a little bit. Maybe make them think for a minute before they judge someone else based on their appearance.

So here's the letter I wrote, and the response. (Names and identifying details have been changed). I'll
keep you guys posted...but here's one certainty that has come out of this: Gray Area Fitness isn't going anyplace! If nothing else this experience has taught me that the world needs a fitness studio where NO ONE gets judged, and I'm gonna make that happen.

Maybe I should go and thank those guys for reminding me what's important!


Hi S,

Hope you had a great holiday!
Since it has been two weeks since I did my shadowing session and I haven't heard back from anyone there (in spite of having left a message on July 28th), I can only assume that you guys have decided that I'm not a good fit for your company. I feel that as we all have invested the time and energy in going as far as an interview and then job shadowing, a follow up phone call or email is warranted to let me know whether or not you want to proceed with an offer of employment. I would also like the opportunity to ask what it was that I missed since evidently we are not taking that step. I felt that the interview went well - J did have me proceed to the shadowing stage so I think he was satisfied with my qualifications - and I also felt that P was happy with my skills at the job shadowing/training session.

I was excited about the chance to work with Jocks Inc. and felt like it was going to be a good fit, so I confess I am disappointed that I haven't heard back either way and the start date that I discussed with J has come and gone. Since I don't believe it was my skill set that was the deal breaker, I want to call out the elephant in the room and offer an explanation.

I know I am currently overweight and as such, do not offer up a physique that is inspiring at first glance. I also know that on the surface, nobody would choose a fat fitness trainer since it doesn't look like they value optimal health and fitness. If that is the reason why I have not been offered employment, I would invite you to please just come out and say it. I know it's awkward and not politically correct but I get that trainers *should* be leaner and look more fit than the average person who is seeking guidance from them.

On the other hand, there is always another side to the story. I have not always looked the way I do now and I don't plan to remain this way for long. To make a (very) long story short, three years ago I developed a health condition that took a really long time to diagnose, and by the time it was identified, it had progressed to the point where my whole endocrine system had crashed and I had developed severe hypothyroidism. I gained 50lbs inside of a year, and when the rapid weight gain started I had not changed my lifestyle in the least - I was training six days a week and eating clean. As the illness and the weight gain continued and I felt worse, I had to make some concessions in my training schedule in order to save energy to keep working and caring for my family. Once I started treatment (last April), however, things have slowly gotten better. Because my endocrine system had slipped so far, treating it has had to happen in several stages and I only started treatment for the hypothyroidism two weeks ago.

So, I assure you that I hold the values that I teach my clients very dear, and I love training hard and being fit. I fully expect that I will finish the Super Spartan race in Red Deer in September and I will test for my black belt in taekwondo in November, and I will look like myself again within the year.

That's my story. Maybe I should have taken time to explain that in my interview. I elected not to because part of me thinks I shouldn't have to explain the way I look, but I know we work in an appearance-centred industry (which is unfortunate) and modelling the lifestyle is part of the job.
I do think that my experience in the last year gives me a unique perspective and it can only benefit my clients further.

I am open to discussing this further if you'd like to talk about it. If not, that's okay too but I needed to put it out there. Thanks for reading!

Yours,

Hannah Gray

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for your email and your your present situation. I would also sincerely like to apologize for the disrespectful way in which this matter had been handled.
Would you still be prepared to meet with me? It will not be to offer you a position with us currently but to just chat.
S

Back in the Saddle!

Oh man, it's finally Monday!

How many times are you gonna hear that today, eh? But if you've been in these parts for any length of time you've heard me go on and on about Mondays; they are my favorite. Especially lately - this starting up a business stuff means that my brain is constantly making lists of things that have to get done - it's turned into a big gray garden hose, spewing forth a steady stream of tasks and objectives, and I have to say I am loving it. On the other hand, it's spoiled the weekends a little bit because they put a kink in the hose...apparently some other people like to, you know, NOT work on the weekends, thus forcing me to slow down.

Sounds like silliness to me! Although now that I'm self-employed, my kids are out of school, and my husband's hours are all over the map too, life has decidedly little structure. Which is great in lots of ways, but not without its pitfalls - one of which is that it's really freakin' hard to keep track of what day it is.

But not today! Today is especially special, know why? Because today is the first day of the first run of Precision Nutrition's level 2 course: a full year of learning, studying, mentoring and generally moving toward a new level of previously unheard of awesomeness. I am pretty pumped to get to be part of this!

Another thing that's pretty cool that I have added back into the mix after a long hiatus is taekwondo. It's been almost a solid year that I've been out of the game, six months since I wanted to go back, and three months since I re-joined the dojang and just never went because I was ashamed of myself...and because life was just too damn overwhelming. Well, no more! I have to say, it was quite a shock to realize that my cardio has slipped to the point where I was seeing spots following every two-minute sparring match. Even more of a shock was that it took me thirteen full minutes (thirteen!) of sitting in my car after class, staring blankly at the steering wheel before I knew for sure which way was up and what exactly that steering wheel was for. What was not a shock was that I can't effectively kick any more because my uniform is too tight, and that feeling sucks the bulls' balls. Oh well - the only way to NOT feel like that any more is to keep going and:

YES! This is an e-book written by Dr. Krista Scott-Dixon, my mentor and lead coach of the Precision Nutrition 2 course. It's amazing and inspiring and a quick read, and it makes so much sense it's ridiculous. It's hilarious, entertaining, and FREE, so what you need to do right meow is go to www.stumptuous.com and download it. The biggest take-home point that stuck in my head is, listen to your guts instead of your brains and only eat - only eat - when you're actually hungry. Crazy simple, yes, but surprisingly difficult for the certified emotional eater in this corner. Plus my guts are notorious for having shit for brains...but nobody's perfect.

And on that note:

This also happened. This is a Black Bottom cheesecake (read: rum/dark chocolate) that an old university buddy asked me to make for his mom's birthday. Now, this isn't any old cheesecake (not that I EVER make "any old cheesecake") because he specifically requested some special Austrian rum that was steeped in family tradition.

So there's me in my kitchen, mixing up cheesecake batter. I pour out some rum to add, but as it falls into the measuring cup I notice it's a strange reddish color, not like the golden brown spiced rums I've used before...so I figure I'd better taste it so I know what's going into my cake. I take a sip. It burns my lips, then warms my whole body, and then, one by one, my toes shoot off like fiery little rockets. I smell smoke and, reaching up, notice my hair is on fire. I gasp, then with one fiery exhale, engulf my entire house in flames.

That didn't really happen, of course. What did happen though, when my eyes stopped watering and I got my breath back, was that I read the side of the bottle. It said,

"80% Alcohol"

80%?? Eighty?! Holy crap. I cut the amount of rum that I had planned to add in half, and still ended up with one seriously strong-tasting cake. Haven't heard the verdict from the birthday party yet but I hope they liked it. I'll keep you posted!

My Fridge Smells Like Farts! And other summer delights.

How many of you have heard that one before? It's true, but there are some pitfalls to watch out for.
For instance, a couple of days ago I did some batch cooking, as is my custom a couple of days a week. I made a batch of chicken breasts, steamed some broccoli and kale, and hard-boiled a dozen eggs. I also blended a couple of pounds of spinach and froze it into an ice cube tray for morning smoothies (if you haven't had a chocolate protein shake with spinach and banana for breakfast, you haven't really lived - try it and I promise you will feel like a superhero until at least noon! Recipe below). I also filled up the house with awesome fresh fruit and veggies for snacking and there, I made a grave miscalculation. Note to self: avoid Costco on days that Organic Box comes, or I will find myself with more fruit and veggies than will fit in the fridge.

So now, I have a fridge packed full of healthy meals and snacks, a dining room table with a veritable mountain of delicious fruit on it as well as avocados, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, and onions. Because it's July, I also have an EPIC fruit fly infestation of horror movie-like proportions.

What to do about fruit flies? People ask me that question on a pretty daily basis so clearly I'm not alone...although what I have going right now eclipses past fruit fly seasons exponentially. The answer is, not much. Oh sure, you can spend time making gooey traps in jars with funnels, which really look lovely and smell even better. But it won't get rid of them. The little assholes will just hide in your drains, garbage cans, bathrooms or wherever else there might be delicious rottenness. What you can do to keep the population under control is bleach all your drains, clean all of the garbage cans, and put all your produce in the fridge for a few days. A fruit fly's full life cycle lasts about three days given a plentiful food supply - take that away and they will mostly die out. Mostly.

But it only takes one kid to leave an apple core behind the computer monitor and they'll be back in force. Don't worry though, soon as fall hits they will be gone again! I find that the most effective fruit fly mitigation technique is a perception adjustment: we could have cockroaches. Or rats.

Fruit flies? Psh - no big deal.

There's a special opportunity that presents itself when you have a fridge full of hard-boiled eggs and steamed greens. You can either embrace your inner eleven-year-old and take advantage of the prank potential here, or hate every minute of it...but chances are if you fight it then you're not going to enjoy preparing food in advance for too long so I would urge you to try the following:

1. Wait until your family is comfortable in the living room or dining room.

2. Open the fridge.

3. Close the fridge.

4. Wait.

5. Listen and laugh inwardly as shrieks of "you FARTED! Eeewwww, you STINK!" "Me?! That was YOU! I HEARD you!" start drifting in from wherever they are.

6. Laugh out loud as they all start beating on each other.

7. Go break it up before someone sustains an injury.

8. Repeat.

Hannah's Greenish Morning Superhero Shake

2 cups fresh spinach
1/4c water

Blend thoroughly in a Magic Bullet or powerful blender.


Add:
1 scoop chocolate protein powder
1 scoop greens powder (for this shake I like Genuine Health's Greens + extra energy in Cappucino flavour)
1 tbsp. Cocoa

Blend again.

Add:
1 frozen banana
Fill the rest of the cup with coffee or water

Blend again and enjoy!