ALL or NOTHING

In another life, all I wanted to do was be a musician. I couldn't fathom doing anything else and couldn't see any use in even considering other career choices. A well-rounded education was a waste of time as far as I was concerned - that was only for people who were unsure of what they wanted to do. People who weren't committed. Not me. There was only one thing I loved.

We all know how that turned out! And it wasn't a bad thing that life didn't play out that way - instead I fell in love with a musician and had a couple of babies...and babies really throw a wrench into soaring career trajectories! Suddenly, when people called our house to hire both of us for an engagement, our stock response became "well, one of us can do it..." And, you know, one of us usually meant the one NOT nursing and half-crazed from post-partum depression and sleep loss.

I played less and less, until it seemed pointless to even hang onto all of my instruments and I sold all but one of them. Years went by and I didn't play at all - didn't really even think about it. I mean, life was pretty full - I had two small kids, a new career (that I was wildly enthusiastic about), and new goals to chase. But every once in a while, I'd go watch Joel play and I'd think "damn, I miss playing music!"

But then I'd go home and forget about it. Sometimes I'd pick up my bass trombone and play a little and then put it away, frustrated and sad over how much I'd lost. I didn't identify myself as a musician anymore. I avoided even listening to good music; it took too much attention.

All or nothing.

Sounds like a big ol' sob story, doesn't it? Here's the thing though: when I was pursuing a music career, I wasn't happy. I mean, there were moments of pure joy which made it worth it, but generally I lived in a prison inside my head where the warden was constantly berating me for not being better. I hated practicing because there was just me and that voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough, that I was a disappointment to everyone who ever cared about or invested in me.

So getting some distance from music was a good thing.

And then, about a year ago, I fell in love with it again. But this time around, I am doing it for me. I have let go of the idea that I will ever be world-class and am playing purely for the fun of it. I've been listening to all the great music that I've been avoiding for ten years. I'm cautiously but happily referring to myself as a musician again...and it's AWESOME, Jelly-Man.

So what changed?


I'll tell you what changed: it doesn't have to be all or nothing anymore.

(To be continued...)