It's EYFOH Season!

 Is it terrible of me to say, on Thanksgiving Monday, that I can't really get behind holidays that seem to be about eating your face off? I mean, Thanksgiving is one, but Christmas and Easter are pretty much the same: at their epicentre is a ginormous meal where the tradition is to eat until you have to undo your pants. Now, I know lots of people would argue that these holidays are wonderful times where one should surround oneself with family and friends and enjoy the abundance of good company and good food. I wouldn't profess to knock that tradition if it's something you look forward to and thoroughly enjoy...

My family and I elected to stay home and have a quiet little Thanksgiving this year. One reason for that is because we are all reclusive trolls in our hearts, but that's for another post. What I want to take a closer look at today is the anxiety that surrounds the food aspect of the Eat Your Face Off Holidays. For anyone who has struggled with their weight, the EYFOH's are about success or failure, and as such there is a lot of anxiety: you're going to war with yourself and a lot of careful planning and preparation and strategizing has to happen in order to come out on the other side without needing therapy.

Ok, you think, how am I going to approach the EYFOH? What will I eat the day before? How will I prepare myself on the day? Maybe I should just starve myself beforehand. No, that won't work because I'll have no willpower and I'll eat a hole in the fabric of the universe when I see all the food. I'll just have a light breakfast. I won't go too hungry. I'll have a snack beforehand too. I won't obsess about it. I won't feel guilty. I'll skip the bread. I'll load up my plate with salad. I'll just have a little bit of the things I really love. And then I won't feel bad about myself later. I'll work out beforehand. I'll work out after. I'll do an extra hour of cardio for the next week. And how will I get around the (insert aging female relative) who will tell me to eat more? I won't feel guilty when I tell her no. I'll just take it and leave it on my plate. I won't pour more wine when (insert whatever offensive person) comments on my weight, lifestyle, parenting, etc. I will eat and I will enjoy it and I will not feel bad and I will not let all the other garbage affect me. I will not FAIL AND EAT TOO MUCH.

 Anyone else ever felt like that? I've been fighting with weight problems long enough that the anxiety over EYFOH's starts weeks or even months in advance. Talk to me in July about Christmas dinner and my blood pressure will go up and I'll start wondering how I'm going to get out of it. And I'll tell you one thing: it's a piss-poor way to celebrate the abundance and beauty and love in our lives! Because honestly: I am not a Gratitude Grinch, really I'm not. I try to cultivate gratitude on a daily basis. I love that we have a special long weekend for it just before the snow flies and it's all gorgeous and colourful outside. I'd just totally rather go for a hike or something than spend three days preparing the approach, the strategy, the fail-safes, and finally the battle.

So I'm not playing that game anymore. I prepared a delicious but simple and healthy meal for my immediate family, and we talked about the things we are grateful for over dinner...and it was wonderful. Best Thanksgiving ever.

Also, incidentally, my family is still speaking to me after I made the cheesecake crust out of cricket flour.

Okay team, I haven't done a crazy nutrition experiment in a while and I think it's time. Lately there has been a lot of research bubbling to the surface about artificial sweeteners and gut health. I have been a staunch defender of artificial sweeteners (in moderation of course! FFS) for a good long while now so believe me when I say it hurts a little bit to say this: it looks like they really aren't very good for us. Now, before you laugh at me and run to the store for some Coke, allow me to just stress for a moment that too much sugar isn't good either. When I first started hearing and reading this new information, my first thought was "well, I hardly get any of that stuff so it doesn't affect me much." I drink maybe one or two cans of coke zero a week and I've never had cause to feel too guilty about it...but then I started thinking: I have a Quest bar for breakfast every day. There is sucralose in greens powder and protein powder, pre-workout, intra-workout, and post-workout drinks (not that I use any of those on a regular basis but, you know, sometimes). Maybe my guts could stand to improve if I ditched that stuff! So I waited until my last box of Quest bars was empty (had my last Quest bar yesterday - and you know what I found in it? Like, actually IN the bar? A big-ass chunk of cardboard. Made it not so hard to say goodbye and good riddance to them!) and starting today I will be artificial sweetener-free for thirty days. Should be interesting.

If you'd like more info on the artificial sweetener/gut health correlation, here's some recommended
reading:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/artificial-sweeteners-linked-to-obesity-epidemic-scientists-say-1.2769196
http://www.prevention.com/health/diabetes/artificial-sweeteners-diet-soda-affect-gut-bacteria-and-weight-gain
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/09/140917-sweeteners-artificial-blood-sugar-diabetes-health-ngfood/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/09/140917131634.htm

Breaking up is hard to do...sometimes.

And sometimes breaking up is really easy. Remember the person you dated in, say, junior high or high school, before you really knew how to start a relationship, or how to end a relationship (or any of the stuff that comes in between that isn't driven by raging hormones)? So you putzed along without really liking that person but were too chicken to actually end it...until you HATED them?

 I've been reading a lot of break-up stories lately. Letters to old friends, stale romantic interests, etc., etc. where at the end of the letter or story the writer reveals to the audience that the dump-ee is actually a previous version of themselves that they no longer identify with, or a pair of skinny jeans, or whatever. Getting rid of stuff (trimming the fat, so to speak) has sort of been a theme in my corner lately so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and give it a try. Here goes:

Dear Bathroom Scale, 

Fuck you.

Most Sincerely,

Hannah

Whoa, that was a load off! Definitely very cathartic. Excuse me a moment while I actually go and throw the bathroom scale in the garbage.

 Yeah!! Alright buddies, I no longer have a bathroom scale in my house. It doesn't really matter all that much because I HATE weighing myself; it ALWAYS ruins my day. So I never do it. I keep reading articles though, that claim that people who weigh themselves daily are statistically happier and healthier and richer and have nicer teeth than people who don't (actually I made up some of those descriptors but not the healthier bit) and I end up thinking, "hmm, maybe instead of doing it LESS I should get on the scale every day and just grow a thicker skin" but you know what? For me that isn't going to work. So instead of trying to cram the square scale into my round life, I have elected to stick the square scale into the round garbage pail and that's that. If I need a metric with which to measure progress, I can use a measuring tape instead, which is a way better indicator and has the added bonus of not making me hate myself.

This is fun! I love getting rid of stuff. Where once upon another life I loved to shop and bring stuff home, now I get way more satisfaction from pitching stuff out the door. Sometimes I find it sad -I mean, ten years ago a good retail therapy session used to fix just about anything, and when the fire was cooling in that relationship (can I even call it a relationship if it was inside my head?) I'd go to the mall and wander around and wonder why it wasn't helping. And now? Now going to the mall just ticks me right off if I haven't actually spent time mentally preparing for the onslaught of bullshit that is the inevitable experience of shopping for anything except groceries. But I digress.

Sometimes though, in the pursuit of making life manageable, it's necessary to say goodbye to something that's not so easy to get rid of...and that happened this week too. It was a total bummer and I'm still wrestling with the aftermath of that decision, even though it really was the only logical choice under the circumstances. This week I officially put off testing for my taekwondo black belt and withdrew from classes. I have to keep telling myself that hey, there are only 24 hours in the day and with building a new clientele at a new workplace, finishing existing courses in time to go back to school in January, breathing some life into my music career, and the usual household management-type duties, there just isn't room for anything else. Which doesn't help it suck less, but unfortunately Oprah was right...

So for now my favorite sport has to go, but it'll make me appreciate it more when (not if) I go back.

TOO MUCH

Happy Monday morning my lovelies!

Got a pop quiz for y'all today, are you ready?

Q: How do you know when it's TOO MUCH?

The answer of course is, it depends on the situation, but generally speaking it's when the good feelings start to seep away and the bad feelings start to make their presence known - you know, not all at once or anything, but they just threaten at the sidelines. Ever gone too long without seeing your in-laws? And you know that you're going to have to do it pretty soon but you just can't make your hand grab the phone, even though you know that if you wait long enough for them to call YOU you'll never hear the end of it? And then the more you think about it the guiltier you feel? You've waited too long, 'cause at this point nothing's going to fix it now except squeezing your eyes shut and doing it.

That's too much time that has passed, my friends! And if that's never happened to you because you just can't get enough of your in-laws, well, good for you. But you know what I mean. (I should note here that really I love my in-law's too, but there has to be the right amount of space for the relationship to work.)

So that's kind of an extreme example. Let's bring it closer to home, shall we? Ever make a to-do list? I freakin' LOVE to-do lists, they calm me right down when I start feeling overwhelmed and panicky because I know there's stuff I'm supposed to be doing but I can't remember what it is.

And of course, there's an app for that: my favorite is called Clear and it is ALMOST as awesome as writing down your to-do list on the back of an old envelope...but there's a kind of beautiful tactility about violently scratching out tasks on your to-do lists with a stumpy old pencil. And then, when all you have left is an old envelope with a column of scratched-out stuff, taking that bitch and tearing it to bits and chucking it out feels GREAT. Ain't no app for that!

But today? Today that will not be happening. It didn't yesterday, either. Because, while Sunday is usually my peaceful day to get organized for the week, sometimes life puts a stick in your spokes and all you can do is roll on as best you can. Saturday evening while I was starting the preliminary stages of getting the kids to bed (which in my house invariably sounds like this: "Ok girlies, 5 minutes - finish up and turn the screens off!" "But Moooooooom, I'm in a battle!"), I started seeing squiggly lines around the periphery of my field of vision, which meant that an ocular migraine was coming and anything that I had planned to get done this weekend was going to damn well wait until my eyeballs were ready to work again.

So here we are, it's Monday morning (my absolute favorite time of the week), my head still hurts, and I have this to-do list that has TOO MUCH on it. I know it has TOO MUCH because I'm kind of afraid of it. I can't even start it. I can't even LOOK at it. If I'm not really careful I'll bumble around all day and get nothing done and then tomorrow will be even worse...but never fear - Tomorrow Girl can take care of anything!!

But instead of putting it all on Tomorrow Girl, even though she's pretty awesome, here are my strategies for getting at that TOO LONG to-do list...

1. Add some stuff to the list. I'm serious. First, add some stuff that you've ALREADY DONE. Next, add some stuff that you KNOW you can do, and do on a daily basis. Now go do some of that stuff.

2. Go back to your list and scratch that stuff out! Doesn't that feel great? Get out of bed? Check. Brush teeth? Check. Wake up kids? Feed'em breakfast? Boot their little tushies out the door to school? Check, check, check. Hell yes, you're a machine today! Work out? Check. Take the dog out for a run? Check. (See how the tasks are getting bigger? And you're a third of the way through the list already! Whoop whoop!)

3. Multi-task: my list always has phone calls to make on it...and I hate the phone. HATE IT. I will do just about anything to avoid calling people, because a) I'm actually super shy and b) I hate it when people call me because no matter what else I'm doing, I'm doing something else and don't care to be interrupted, and c) there's like a 1 in 3 chance that once I've dropped what I'm doing, found the ringing phone, and answered it, it'll actually be someone I care to talk to...which means that 2 out of three times it'll be some automated service informing me that I've won a free cruise and all I have to do is cut off my bottom lip and mail it to somewhere and thus claim my prize...anyway. Which is a long way of saying that usually, when the phone rings, I don't even bother searching for it. Where was I? Oh yeah, multitasking! So I make a deal with myself: I'll do something that involves a small time commitment and then I can leave, like a crock pot meal or laundry...THEN I'll tackle the phone calls and emails.

4. Now the big stuff. How many big projects are on your list? If there are more than two, pick two for today and put the rest on Tomorrow Girl's to-do list.

5. Take it easy. Is anyone going to die if you don't get the dishes done or your project doesn't get submitted today? If the answer is yes, better just get it done but if the answer is no, take a breather, pour a cup of coffee, and go outside and enjoy the sunshine for a little while.

Blog post: check.

Defeat and de Feet

Show your feet some love, dudes.

I'm serious. Because when your feet suddenly don't work life becomes a bitch in a lot of surprising ways.

Let me back up a little and tell you the story: just over a week ago my buddy Nancy and I headed down to Red Deer to do the Super Spartan race, a 15k obstacle race (that's 9ish miles to anyone south of the border). We didn't train for it - that would be silly - and since we did it last year we figured we knew what we were getting into. Which was true as far as the course itself was concerned...I knew I was going to be slow, you know, based on the fact that I spent the last year gaining 50lbs and fighting with my health instead of training for an endurance event. What I didn't really consider was that my feet would decide in the first half mile (800m for the Canajuns - see what I did there?) that this whole enterprise was a mistake and that my dogs would bark at me for the rest of the month for my tomfoolery.

So here's how the day went:

Mile 0.5 Realized that blisters were going to be a problem.
Mile 3 Aid Station: asked a medic for some band aids. They replied that they could give me band aids IF I was willing to fill out a form and drop out of the race. Not likely!
Mile 5 Don't think about feet don't think about feet don't think about feet don't think about feet.
Mile 5.5 Noticed blood coming through my shoes.
Mile 6 Blood has lubricated trouble spots nicely! This isn't so bad. What a beautiful day! WHEEEEE this is awesome!

Mile 8 Seeing stars. Starting to not feel very good.
Finish Line: Actually I don't remember much about the finish line except wanting to punch the volunteer who gleefully insisted that burpees don't count unless our chests touch the ground. I think those last 30 burpees took about 15 minutes.
Medical tent: walked in to ask for some band aids. Medic looked at my bleeding shoes and my ashen face and told me to sit down for an assessment. The shoes came off, and the medic actually gagged and called a couple more people over to help.

Fast forward 9 days and I still can't walk normally and I wish I could say I've learned my lesson. Well, maybe I have: gonna actually train for next year. But we got our finisher t-shirts! Fuck yeah!

So let's talk about defeat and perception thereof. I've been mulling this over lots lately given my current situation: started a business which didn't quite go as planned due to health problems and associated self-induced mental fuckwittage, accepted a job which will force me to bust through some boundaries but in the meantime is making me feel kind of...well...very conscious of my shortcomings to put it mildly (which is my issue and no one else's and I fully accept that), and it just generally feels like survival over the past six months has been like pushing an elephant up a ladder. It's getting kinda old.

 Still, (unlike the Spartan sitch) I actually did learn some really good lessons so do I chalk the whole shebang up as a fail? The pessimist in me wants to say yes but I kinda don't want to see it that way. For one thing, if I accept defeat then the door has to close and I will have to find something else to fight for. And while that part would be easy because there are a million things that are worth fighting for, there will always be this hanging what-if thing happening inside my melon. And like I said before, I don't want to - there's still work to do and things seem to be on the upswing. So on that count, lesson learned. Adversity has the potential to make us better if we let it! Gonna sign off now before I get tempted to insert trite quotes from Finding Nemo, even though it applies...

Not gonna say it!

Channelling Chris Pratt

So....it's been a while. I hardly know where to start!

 Oh wait, I know: remember how I had my little panic attack and applied for a job in a studio? And then didn't get hired? And then let the head of the company know what I thought about not getting hired?

Well, they hired me. Of course, it wasn't as easy as all that; in fact if anyone has had a bumpier start with a company I'd like to hear about it! 'Cause I tell ya, the last three weeks have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Some days I've felt awesome and totally pumped about the future, thinking that maybe I can effect some positive change in the fitness game...and I've felt totally terrible some days, feeling like getting into the health and fitness industry with my history of yo-yo diets, weight struggles, body image and confidence issues and insecurities was a huge mistake. But I've learned something important about myself, which is this: given all those deep-rooted fears and baggage and shit, and the fact that appearance-based discrimination is a very real thing (and don't get me wrong, I know it's everywhere but it really is more pervasive in the fitness industry), I was not ready to start a business. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

So, because I still have to, you know, bring home some bacon (BACON!) I took the position and I can now tell you that Jocks Inc is actually called Body by Bennett and it really isn't a bad place at all - in fact, I am quite liking it there in spite of the lead-up to how I was hired.

But now, the pressure is on: gotta lose the weight and look the part, and I have to go back to school.

This is good and bad. It's GOOD because these are things that I've wanted to do for myself forever, but haven't because....because I haven't. B3 has been great (amazing, really) about offering every type of support to help me get to where I want to be in terms of personal and professional development, and I feel really fortunate that I landed there. It's BAD because I feel like I'm not good enough and now there are all these weird feels bouncing around that weren't there before. Like, why HAVEN'T I done this? Is my comfort zone so firmly entrenched in this "I'm not good enough" state that I fear climbing out of it? I don't know anyone at work well enough to talk about it and see how public a thing all this is, which makes me very self-conscious. I want to wear a Post-It on my forehead that says "I know I know!! I'm working on it!"

So here's how I'm choosing to look at this whole self-development project, which comes courtesy of my husband who knows exactly what to say in situations like this...sometimes. Ha! Sorry Joel, that was mean. Ha ha. In all seriousness he's a pretty wise and awesome person and great to have around when life seems overwhelming, and he said "well, it's time to channel Chris Pratt - and this is your Marvel movie."

Here's what that means: someone asked Chris Pratt what his secret was to getting all jacked and amazing for Guardians of the Galaxy, and he talked for a while about really awesome things to do like changing small things and be consistent with those changes...and then he said that because he had been cast in a Marvel movie it was either get it done or get fired.

Can't argue with that logic! So this is my Marvel movie. Bring it on, then!

Something that's weird about being in new digs with new people though, is that sometimes it feels strange to work out in front of them. Of course it's my issue and I'll get used to it, but some days....Some days you just gotta go do it at home, which is totally okay too. Here's what I did today (from www.chroniclesofstrength.com) - all you need is a medium-ish kettlebell.

 Fresh off the Yacht

• 5 x 1-arm swings 
• 5 x cleans
• 5 x snatches
• 5 x jerks
• 5 x reverse lunges 

Repeat on the other side, then rest for 1-3 minutes and repeat for five rounds. That's how you get your sweat on at home, AND you get some laundry done. BOOM. 

Swing of the Century

Remember THE CHAT from my previous post? It happened. Since it happened, I haven't been able to sleep because of all the feels...but let me back up a bit and tell the story properly.

Wednesday afternoon I got into my car to go meet S from Jocks Inc. I was feeling pretty good - I mean, I had absolutely nothing to lose at this point, I had a plan in my head to keep control over the conversation, and I had a mental checklist of points that I wanted to make. Nothing to be nervous about whatsoever.

But. 

As I neared the coffee shop where the meeting was to take place, the nerves came tromping in like latecomers to a classical music performance, shuffling and snorting and rattling and generally causing a disturbance to all the organized thoughts that had shown up on time and were sitting quietly. As the nerves settled into their front row seats, lots of the organized thoughts got pissed off and left...and as I took my seat across from S (who did not match the mental picture I had of him AT ALL), the only thing I really wanted to accomplish was to not projectile vomit onto his shirt. 

After the usual pleasantries had been exchanged, S launched into kind of a boring diatribe about finding the right fit for the company and blah blah blah. I don't remember much of that part of the conversation except that I wondered what on earth that stuff could possibly have to do with me since I had already been rejected on somewhat questionable grounds, and I was also busy trying to scrape some intelligent thoughts back together. Then he thanked me for writing the letter and commented that it must have really taken a lot of strength and courage to write it, and that it gave him some context in which to place the feedback that he'd heard from the two guys who had met with me - namely that there was a disconnect between the skill and experience that I had demonstrated and my physical appearance. 

"Obviously, we both know what the problem is." 

Right. And with that comment, all my organized thoughts came back. And you know what? We had a really great discussion about what's wrong with the fitness industry (lots), about mindset, work ethic, coaching, flexing to accommodate different personalities, how to best help the people who need it most (the people who are LEAST likely to walk in the door). I was brutally honest and I didn't hold back one bit, and it felt really good to just come out and say it all and have an open conversation. Some things he said irked me - he asked me if I had worked with a dietitician (of course I have) and if I was willing to give that another shot. At one point he commented that "at least (I was) doing something about it". Toward the middle of the conversation he said, "I have one more question for you, and it's a sensitive one: how do I sell you to clients?" To which I said, I've walked a mile in just about everyone's shoes at this point. I've been overweight, out of shape, in shape, strong, weak, I've gone through pregnancy, childbirth, I've juggled being a working mom who's trying to find time to fit it all in, I've been a competitive athlete and a total couch potato, I've struggled through depression and low self-esteem, injuries, menopause, eating clean consistently and eating shit consistently. I know how to train and coach and I'm good at my job and my track record speaks for itself regardless of what's below my shoulders at this moment. He asked me if I was comfortable sharing my story with clients, with other trainers and other gym members....to which I said, absolutely - I have nothing to hide; in fact I have already put all my baggage on the internet for the entertainment of all!

From there the conversation drastically changed course. He asked me where I was at as far as career development and headspace were concerned.

Then he asked me what my salary expectation was. And started telling me all about their benefits plan, expectations of trainers, and what I should expect of them as an employer. And what kind of hours did I want to work, keeping in mind that work/life balance is important?  I was taken aback by this and told him so...I was not expecting to answer job interview-type questions; I figured that door was closed. 

After a good two hours of conversation, S thanked me for creating an environment where we could talk freely about stuff without being awkward or embarrassed, and confessed that he had been extremely nervous and uncomfortable going into this meeting. He wanted to think about whether or not there was a fit between Jocks Inc. and me, and said I had given him lots to consider...and that was that.

It felt good to be heard, it really did. And whether or not it pans out, I figure it doesn't matter because I've said what I needed to say. That we are all SO MUCH MORE than what we appear to be on the surface, and the fitness industry forgets about that sometimes. It's so busy marketing sex appeal and superficial bullshit that it forgets that what's important is living life, feeling good, and nuturing good relationships,especially with ourselves. And to be ABLE to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at us.

Ok Society, I am coming for your broken ass!

Summer can be a slow time for the training business. Especially if you try and start a training business in the spring, and don't give yourself enough time to build before the summer months kick your business in the tenders....which is why, a few weeks ago, I gave up and put some resumes out.

I was scared, you see, and feeling pretty beaten. I wanted some security back. I didn't feel like swimming upstream anymore.

Anyway, one of the people I contacted was the manager of a local training studio who had tried to recruit me in the past. In spite of being on holidays, he immediately arranged for me to come in and meet his assistant. That went great - conversation flowed easily and by the end of the hour we were discussing how I'd bring my clients in and when I'd start. He booked a job shadowing session with one of their senior trainers so that they could check out how I train and test my skills.

That day went well too - the trainer had seen my resume and commented that he thought I had a lot to offer and that he wouldn't mind learning a few things from me. I also met the head honcho of the company that day, but only in passing. I left that day feeling excited about this new opportunity, relieved that I wouldn't have to work alone anymore, and happy that I'd be able to take the financial stress of starting a business off my family.

Except that after that, I didn't get a phone call. Or an email, or a text, or message in a bottle or singing telegram or anything. A week went by.

I began to wonder if it was because the manager was still on holidays...or if I had said the wrong thing. I replayed both meetings in my head over and over again, trying to recall some hint that things had gone sideways. And there was also this niggly little nasty thought: maybe it's because I'm too fat.

Another week went by and I sent the assistant manage that had interviewed me a text - just to ask if they had made a decision either way since time was going by and I needed to get my clients booked.

No reply.

Now, I was beginning to feel pretty sure that my appearance had been the deal breaker. I voiced that idea to my mother (who has been known to be pretty outspoken when she feels that injustice is at work) and she told me in no uncertain terms that I should march in there, demand an audience with the management, and explain that the reason I'm fat is because of a hormone imbalance and ask them to reconsider.

Ugh.

I went back and forth on this idea. One side of me was mad as hell. Why should I have to explain the way I look? I don't owe anyone that. I was more than qualified for the position, did two good interviews, and if they were going to write me off due to the width of my ass rather than what's between my ears then fuck them.

On the other hand though...part of me wanted to explain myself. I am most emphatically not a couch potato who doesn't value or practice what they preach, and I also HATE it - HATE IT - when people, especially gym-ratty fitness types, look at overweight people and assume that they are not worthy of respect, or that carrying extra weight represents some kind of character flaw. Remember, folks - never put the ASS in assume!

Right then - I was gonna do it. Not to beg for a job - no freakin' way - but to explain myself and at least make them squirm a little bit. Maybe make them think for a minute before they judge someone else based on their appearance.

So here's the letter I wrote, and the response. (Names and identifying details have been changed). I'll
keep you guys posted...but here's one certainty that has come out of this: Gray Area Fitness isn't going anyplace! If nothing else this experience has taught me that the world needs a fitness studio where NO ONE gets judged, and I'm gonna make that happen.

Maybe I should go and thank those guys for reminding me what's important!


Hi S,

Hope you had a great holiday!
Since it has been two weeks since I did my shadowing session and I haven't heard back from anyone there (in spite of having left a message on July 28th), I can only assume that you guys have decided that I'm not a good fit for your company. I feel that as we all have invested the time and energy in going as far as an interview and then job shadowing, a follow up phone call or email is warranted to let me know whether or not you want to proceed with an offer of employment. I would also like the opportunity to ask what it was that I missed since evidently we are not taking that step. I felt that the interview went well - J did have me proceed to the shadowing stage so I think he was satisfied with my qualifications - and I also felt that P was happy with my skills at the job shadowing/training session.

I was excited about the chance to work with Jocks Inc. and felt like it was going to be a good fit, so I confess I am disappointed that I haven't heard back either way and the start date that I discussed with J has come and gone. Since I don't believe it was my skill set that was the deal breaker, I want to call out the elephant in the room and offer an explanation.

I know I am currently overweight and as such, do not offer up a physique that is inspiring at first glance. I also know that on the surface, nobody would choose a fat fitness trainer since it doesn't look like they value optimal health and fitness. If that is the reason why I have not been offered employment, I would invite you to please just come out and say it. I know it's awkward and not politically correct but I get that trainers *should* be leaner and look more fit than the average person who is seeking guidance from them.

On the other hand, there is always another side to the story. I have not always looked the way I do now and I don't plan to remain this way for long. To make a (very) long story short, three years ago I developed a health condition that took a really long time to diagnose, and by the time it was identified, it had progressed to the point where my whole endocrine system had crashed and I had developed severe hypothyroidism. I gained 50lbs inside of a year, and when the rapid weight gain started I had not changed my lifestyle in the least - I was training six days a week and eating clean. As the illness and the weight gain continued and I felt worse, I had to make some concessions in my training schedule in order to save energy to keep working and caring for my family. Once I started treatment (last April), however, things have slowly gotten better. Because my endocrine system had slipped so far, treating it has had to happen in several stages and I only started treatment for the hypothyroidism two weeks ago.

So, I assure you that I hold the values that I teach my clients very dear, and I love training hard and being fit. I fully expect that I will finish the Super Spartan race in Red Deer in September and I will test for my black belt in taekwondo in November, and I will look like myself again within the year.

That's my story. Maybe I should have taken time to explain that in my interview. I elected not to because part of me thinks I shouldn't have to explain the way I look, but I know we work in an appearance-centred industry (which is unfortunate) and modelling the lifestyle is part of the job.
I do think that my experience in the last year gives me a unique perspective and it can only benefit my clients further.

I am open to discussing this further if you'd like to talk about it. If not, that's okay too but I needed to put it out there. Thanks for reading!

Yours,

Hannah Gray

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for your email and your your present situation. I would also sincerely like to apologize for the disrespectful way in which this matter had been handled.
Would you still be prepared to meet with me? It will not be to offer you a position with us currently but to just chat.
S