Brain Sprain

Many moons ago I had a tantrum and chucked out the bathroom scale. I was sick of its siren song that only led to a crappy mood for the rest of the day. (I wrote about it HERE.) I've gotten to where I don't even think about it most of the time and I have given zero thoughts to buying a new one. I like that my house is a scale-free zone.

Instead, I pay attention to how my clothes fit and how I feel in general...and lately my clothes have been getting a little looser and I feel like a superhero. I've been eating well and training hard, consistently. I'm starting to wonder about my weight, and though I live in a scale-free zone, I do not work in a scale-free zone..in fact right at this moment there's a state-of-the-art scale with bio electric impedance analysis four feet away from me, insidiously whispering "Hey! You're making progress! Don't you want to know what the numbers look like?" 

It would be really easy to hop on and find out how my body has changed.

This is bad, and here's why: I am afraid. I'm afraid that if I get on the scale my bubble will pop, because I know that I am still a long, long way from where I'd like to be. No amount of improvement will seem like enough...and the spiral staircase of shame and depression isn't that far away. These days it's behind me and I'm slowly walking away from it which feels amazing - SUCH a relief - but I know it's there and if I trip I might fall down again. My clumsiness has been known to put Jar Jar Binks to shame.

 Picture this: you've sprained your ankle. A few weeks or months have gone by and it feels pretty good. In fact, it's totally fine and there's no reason not to continue with life as usual. So you go for a walk one day, and you take a funky step (maybe on a root or an uneven sidewalk or you slip on some ice) and WHEEEOOO holy mother of )(&*@#$*(($*%& frip frappin ding DANG!
A few hours later you're sitting on your couch grumpily crunching down ibuprofen and icing your ankle which has somehow grown a set of donkey testicles again.

If you've ever had a physical injury, the rule is that you usually feel pretty good once you're healed 80% of the way...and that's where your risk of re-injury is at its highest, because you guessed it - you let your guard down. Depression is the same, although we don't tend to treat it that way: once you go down that road, your risk of relapsing is high until you've healed ALL THE WAY. Which takes a (sometimes surprisingly) long time.

So I'm not falling into that trap again. I like what's happening here too much to risk another trip into funkytown...and honestly the idea of seeing if I can get on the scale and remain objective wearies me. I'd much rather spend my energy monitoring the weight on the bar!

My Hygiene is Terrible

There, I said it. 

I thought I was going to die when my alarm went off at 4:24 this morning. I seriously felt like I had been asleep for about 5 minutes.

Now, while normally I am a morning person, I am not one to leap out of bed and enthusiastically greet the day with yoga or running or whatever. Generally my morning routine consists of breakfast (I wake up ready to eat a hole in the fabric of the universe so don't get between me and my oatmeal!), and sufficient coffee to get my brain functioning on a level where I am capable of completing a word
game or sudoku...and then I head to work.

Oh wait, were you waiting for stories about how I don't own a toothbrush or wash the bath towels? 

Sorry guys. I'm talking about sleep hygiene. (I think I smell okay most of the time. If I don't you have
to tell me!) 

Anyway. I actually quite like my morning routine and I get pretty grumpy if anything interferes with it, so hitting the snooze button until it's time to jump out of bed, throw on clothes, and guzzle coffee spiked with egg whites and protein powder while I'm driving to work (although that makes a pretty kick-ass quick-ass breakfast if that's how you roll) kinda colours the rest of my day. So, since my work day starts at 5:30am most of the time, and going to bed at 8:30pm isn't really a viable option, 

how on earth do I make this happen? 

If I had answered that question a couple of years ago, I would have answered thusly: "I can sleep when I'm dead! Sleepiness is weakness of character!"

But really what was happening back then was that I'd muscle my way through the week getting progressively stupider, until Friday when I'd spend my work day asking people to stick a kettlebell in their ear using their elbows. Then I'd go home and crash at 7pm, wake up on Saturday at 9am and steel myself to do it all again. It wasn't good. And I burned out. 

So when it came time to get back to the early morning routine, I needed a plan in order to not go down in flames. Getting to bed earlier wasn't an option, so what was left? 

NAPS. 

Ladies and gents, I have turned into a grown-up toddler who gets foul and weepy and dangerous if she doesn't get forty winks in the afternoon. I didn't start this habit on purpose. I used to get home from work, grab some food, and sit down in front of the computer to eat and get some work done and I would wake up two hours later, one side of my face covered in drool and imprinted keyboard keys. After a few of these narcoleptic episodes I decided not to fight it anymore. 

Going to bed in the evening is another story though: when I get into bed, I have this problem where I feel compelled to play silly preschool games on my phone until I have to use scotch tape to keep my eyes open (and I do sometimes, just to get another level done) even though I know better. I know you're supposed to turn the screens of an hour before bed to get better sleep. So, who's with me? Chances are, you need better sleep too, so let's make a deal. Why don't we put our phones away at 9pm for the next 30 days, and we'll see what happens?

Yay Fall!

Happy New Year!

Because seriously, although I'm a fan of January 1st, the first week of September feels like the new year to me. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that line of thinking; we're programmed like that from age 5 (or earlier!) to have our new start in September...and I love it. Everything feels new and crisp and fresh and it's exhiliarating. Am I right?

So in honor of the new year, and also because I wrote almost nothing over the summer, it's time to really get crazy and revamp this whole page! I mean, it's looked the same for three years - it's high time for a bit of a face lift.

I am excited for this year. Like, really really excited. Like, I might have peed a little bit just now thinking about the year ahead. Now, I realize that last year at this time I said the same thing, and it ended up being a pretty rocky phase of life. Do I regret it though? Not one bit.

Well, maybe a little.

Actually, why I insist on learning all my lessons the hard way is beyond me.

Still, the learning!! The lessons I learned last year are ones I will keep with me forever, and I am better because of them. Adversity has only one thing going for it: it's an opportunity to learn, grow stronger...

And then take some really big strides forward.

Here's what I'm excited about for this year, in no particular order. Ready?

I have found a new sport to love: powerlifting. My current project is to get ready for PowerSurge, Alberta's longest running powerlifting meet. It's November 14th, 10 weeks away.

I started this project out of necessity (I was dealing with some drug side effects and couldn't train the way I always used to), out of desperation for a project where I could effectively banish negative thoughts about my weight, but also because lifting really heavy things makes me happy. It has turned out to be a really good fit and I am pretty freaking psyched. I'll keep you posted on that project here.

I have a new blog! Check it out:

grayareagalley.blogspot.ca

Lots of you have asked about my recipes, and up until now I have always shrugged my shoulders in despair because here's the truth: I never, ever cook from a recipe so I haven't ever really had any to pass on! But I have started writing some of them down, as well as some of my thoughts on nutrition and the elusive balance between weight management and liking life. I hope you enjoy it and find some useful ideas there. (Please share it if you do.)

Stick around 'cause other cool stuff is happening over here!