ALL or NOTHING

In another life, all I wanted to do was be a musician. I couldn't fathom doing anything else and couldn't see any use in even considering other career choices. A well-rounded education was a waste of time as far as I was concerned - that was only for people who were unsure of what they wanted to do. People who weren't committed. Not me. There was only one thing I loved.

We all know how that turned out! And it wasn't a bad thing that life didn't play out that way - instead I fell in love with a musician and had a couple of babies...and babies really throw a wrench into soaring career trajectories! Suddenly, when people called our house to hire both of us for an engagement, our stock response became "well, one of us can do it..." And, you know, one of us usually meant the one NOT nursing and half-crazed from post-partum depression and sleep loss.

I played less and less, until it seemed pointless to even hang onto all of my instruments and I sold all but one of them. Years went by and I didn't play at all - didn't really even think about it. I mean, life was pretty full - I had two small kids, a new career (that I was wildly enthusiastic about), and new goals to chase. But every once in a while, I'd go watch Joel play and I'd think "damn, I miss playing music!"

But then I'd go home and forget about it. Sometimes I'd pick up my bass trombone and play a little and then put it away, frustrated and sad over how much I'd lost. I didn't identify myself as a musician anymore. I avoided even listening to good music; it took too much attention.

All or nothing.

Sounds like a big ol' sob story, doesn't it? Here's the thing though: when I was pursuing a music career, I wasn't happy. I mean, there were moments of pure joy which made it worth it, but generally I lived in a prison inside my head where the warden was constantly berating me for not being better. I hated practicing because there was just me and that voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough, that I was a disappointment to everyone who ever cared about or invested in me.

So getting some distance from music was a good thing.

And then, about a year ago, I fell in love with it again. But this time around, I am doing it for me. I have let go of the idea that I will ever be world-class and am playing purely for the fun of it. I've been listening to all the great music that I've been avoiding for ten years. I'm cautiously but happily referring to myself as a musician again...and it's AWESOME, Jelly-Man.

So what changed?


I'll tell you what changed: it doesn't have to be all or nothing anymore.

(To be continued...)






 

One door closes...

...and another one opens. Just like that.

Sometimes closing a door is a relief. There's freedom in commitment. (Wasn't that on a Starbucks cup or something?) Anyway, too many open doors is not a good thing, trust me: I spent the last sixteen months in a weird limbo-land where all the doors hung open but I couldn't actually go through any of them because I was waiting for them to line up in the proper order. Instead I got fed up and kicked a bunch of them shut, and though it didn't feel good at the time, it was the right move. Now I can focus.

With that in mind, it's time for some re-evaluation. A funny thing happens when you let go of a career goal that you've held close for any length of time: it makes you realize how much you've defined yourself by that goal...and not by who you are RIGHT NOW.

I'm taking this week off to get my head around them apples, because what a mind job! At the same time, it's an opportunity to take a closer look at what my strengths are and play to those, rather than focussing on trying to fix my weaknesses. You know all those stupid sayings that lululemon and their ilk like to plaster all over the place, like "Go toward what scares you" and "Leave your comfort zone behind" and "Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can fly"? Well, after sixteen months of trying to be what I'm not, I say fuck all that nonsense. Embrace who you are, right now, and do what you love and what you do best. Everything else is for someone else to do.

Because here's the thing: I am not a type A, driven, entrepreneurial business person. I'm just not. And there's nothing wrong with that. What I am good at is building relationships, coaching, and helping other people be their best, one step at a time. And when I'm done doing that with a bunch of people each day, I want to go home to my family, chill out, maybe play some music or write or work on whatever creative project I have going. Someone else can take care of the nuts and bolts of running a business...which is why I am putting the Gray Area Fitness Studio notion to bed, and going back to World Health.

Now, almost everyone I have told about this has expressed their condolences...which, you know, I appreciate because it WAS my dream and I failed at making it a reality. But it wasn't making me happy, and I am 100% confident that diving headfirst back into my comfort zone is the right thing to do. Letting go of the dream and kicking that door closed feels GOOD. You know why?

Because that was me dreaming of BEING SOMEONE ELSE. And maybe I had to go through all this to figure out that being me is awesome in all sorts of ways that I didn't appreciate. But don't worry, the Gray Area brand is here for the long haul - there's a new project in the works. Stay tuned!