Back in the Saddle!

Oh man, it's finally Monday!

How many times are you gonna hear that today, eh? But if you've been in these parts for any length of time you've heard me go on and on about Mondays; they are my favorite. Especially lately - this starting up a business stuff means that my brain is constantly making lists of things that have to get done - it's turned into a big gray garden hose, spewing forth a steady stream of tasks and objectives, and I have to say I am loving it. On the other hand, it's spoiled the weekends a little bit because they put a kink in the hose...apparently some other people like to, you know, NOT work on the weekends, thus forcing me to slow down.

Sounds like silliness to me! Although now that I'm self-employed, my kids are out of school, and my husband's hours are all over the map too, life has decidedly little structure. Which is great in lots of ways, but not without its pitfalls - one of which is that it's really freakin' hard to keep track of what day it is.

But not today! Today is especially special, know why? Because today is the first day of the first run of Precision Nutrition's level 2 course: a full year of learning, studying, mentoring and generally moving toward a new level of previously unheard of awesomeness. I am pretty pumped to get to be part of this!

Another thing that's pretty cool that I have added back into the mix after a long hiatus is taekwondo. It's been almost a solid year that I've been out of the game, six months since I wanted to go back, and three months since I re-joined the dojang and just never went because I was ashamed of myself...and because life was just too damn overwhelming. Well, no more! I have to say, it was quite a shock to realize that my cardio has slipped to the point where I was seeing spots following every two-minute sparring match. Even more of a shock was that it took me thirteen full minutes (thirteen!) of sitting in my car after class, staring blankly at the steering wheel before I knew for sure which way was up and what exactly that steering wheel was for. What was not a shock was that I can't effectively kick any more because my uniform is too tight, and that feeling sucks the bulls' balls. Oh well - the only way to NOT feel like that any more is to keep going and:

YES! This is an e-book written by Dr. Krista Scott-Dixon, my mentor and lead coach of the Precision Nutrition 2 course. It's amazing and inspiring and a quick read, and it makes so much sense it's ridiculous. It's hilarious, entertaining, and FREE, so what you need to do right meow is go to www.stumptuous.com and download it. The biggest take-home point that stuck in my head is, listen to your guts instead of your brains and only eat - only eat - when you're actually hungry. Crazy simple, yes, but surprisingly difficult for the certified emotional eater in this corner. Plus my guts are notorious for having shit for brains...but nobody's perfect.

And on that note:

This also happened. This is a Black Bottom cheesecake (read: rum/dark chocolate) that an old university buddy asked me to make for his mom's birthday. Now, this isn't any old cheesecake (not that I EVER make "any old cheesecake") because he specifically requested some special Austrian rum that was steeped in family tradition.

So there's me in my kitchen, mixing up cheesecake batter. I pour out some rum to add, but as it falls into the measuring cup I notice it's a strange reddish color, not like the golden brown spiced rums I've used before...so I figure I'd better taste it so I know what's going into my cake. I take a sip. It burns my lips, then warms my whole body, and then, one by one, my toes shoot off like fiery little rockets. I smell smoke and, reaching up, notice my hair is on fire. I gasp, then with one fiery exhale, engulf my entire house in flames.

That didn't really happen, of course. What did happen though, when my eyes stopped watering and I got my breath back, was that I read the side of the bottle. It said,

"80% Alcohol"

80%?? Eighty?! Holy crap. I cut the amount of rum that I had planned to add in half, and still ended up with one seriously strong-tasting cake. Haven't heard the verdict from the birthday party yet but I hope they liked it. I'll keep you posted!

My Fridge Smells Like Farts! And other summer delights.

How many of you have heard that one before? It's true, but there are some pitfalls to watch out for.
For instance, a couple of days ago I did some batch cooking, as is my custom a couple of days a week. I made a batch of chicken breasts, steamed some broccoli and kale, and hard-boiled a dozen eggs. I also blended a couple of pounds of spinach and froze it into an ice cube tray for morning smoothies (if you haven't had a chocolate protein shake with spinach and banana for breakfast, you haven't really lived - try it and I promise you will feel like a superhero until at least noon! Recipe below). I also filled up the house with awesome fresh fruit and veggies for snacking and there, I made a grave miscalculation. Note to self: avoid Costco on days that Organic Box comes, or I will find myself with more fruit and veggies than will fit in the fridge.

So now, I have a fridge packed full of healthy meals and snacks, a dining room table with a veritable mountain of delicious fruit on it as well as avocados, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, and onions. Because it's July, I also have an EPIC fruit fly infestation of horror movie-like proportions.

What to do about fruit flies? People ask me that question on a pretty daily basis so clearly I'm not alone...although what I have going right now eclipses past fruit fly seasons exponentially. The answer is, not much. Oh sure, you can spend time making gooey traps in jars with funnels, which really look lovely and smell even better. But it won't get rid of them. The little assholes will just hide in your drains, garbage cans, bathrooms or wherever else there might be delicious rottenness. What you can do to keep the population under control is bleach all your drains, clean all of the garbage cans, and put all your produce in the fridge for a few days. A fruit fly's full life cycle lasts about three days given a plentiful food supply - take that away and they will mostly die out. Mostly.

But it only takes one kid to leave an apple core behind the computer monitor and they'll be back in force. Don't worry though, soon as fall hits they will be gone again! I find that the most effective fruit fly mitigation technique is a perception adjustment: we could have cockroaches. Or rats.

Fruit flies? Psh - no big deal.

There's a special opportunity that presents itself when you have a fridge full of hard-boiled eggs and steamed greens. You can either embrace your inner eleven-year-old and take advantage of the prank potential here, or hate every minute of it...but chances are if you fight it then you're not going to enjoy preparing food in advance for too long so I would urge you to try the following:

1. Wait until your family is comfortable in the living room or dining room.

2. Open the fridge.

3. Close the fridge.

4. Wait.

5. Listen and laugh inwardly as shrieks of "you FARTED! Eeewwww, you STINK!" "Me?! That was YOU! I HEARD you!" start drifting in from wherever they are.

6. Laugh out loud as they all start beating on each other.

7. Go break it up before someone sustains an injury.

8. Repeat.

Hannah's Greenish Morning Superhero Shake

2 cups fresh spinach
1/4c water

Blend thoroughly in a Magic Bullet or powerful blender.


Add:
1 scoop chocolate protein powder
1 scoop greens powder (for this shake I like Genuine Health's Greens + extra energy in Cappucino flavour)
1 tbsp. Cocoa

Blend again.

Add:
1 frozen banana
Fill the rest of the cup with coffee or water

Blend again and enjoy!

Hey! Point That Glue Gun Someplace Else!

6 down, 69 to go.

Let's talk about....THIGHS. Thighs are great. They deserve WAAAAYYY more love than we women typically give them. We stress, we bitch and complain, we want muscle definition, we want a 'thigh gap' (well, some of us do), less cellulite, blah blah blah. My thighs have a lot of fat on them; that's where weight seems to want to go when I gain...but they also have lots of muscle and they are the reason I can lift lots of heavy shit. If anyone ever decides to eat me, my thighs are gonna be DELICIOUS.

My big thighs are hard to shop for, though - that's something that doesn't change whether I'm 50lbs heavier than I am now, or 50lbs lighter (been both places, trust me). Whenever I go shopping, I have to repeat over and over to myself "I will not but stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes, I will not buy stretchy workout clothes" and when I succeed at that, I end up getting irritated with the whole process and storming out empty-handed. This problem is exacerbated in the summer since shorts are out of the question (until the hungry-ass look gets cool which seems unlikely) and skirts or dresses, even though they look lovely, feel horrific. Ever imagined what it would feel like to take a glue gun and glue your thighs together with hot glue? That's what wearing a skirt feels like in the summer. Show me a full-figured woman in one of those pretty, breezy long skirts and I'll show you a woman who is dying a little on the inside.

Speaking of dying on the inside, I took my kids swimming at the outdoor pool yesterday, and -

We had a blast. Now, I've been feeling fairly large and conspicuous lately but I refuse to put life on
hold and deprive my kids of going swimming outdoors in the summer, just because I'm not
comfortable in my own skin. What am I teaching my children if I hide at home and let my own body issues win?  So I gritted my teeth and squeezed myself into my swimming suit. 'I don't have to like this but I'm not doing it for me', I told myself. 'Just smile and fake it until you feel better.' And hey, guess what? That actually worked. Was I the hottest chick on the pool deck? Hell no. Did that make the slightest bit of difference? It sure didn't. It was a good lesson.

What would Lao Tzu do?

Clearly Lao Tzu did not have a weight problem. I mean, besides the obvious ethnic and circumstantial stuff that would dictate that he probably maintained a weight of about 94lbs for his entire life (give or take a few ounces here and there), anyone who can smugly proclaim that

doesn't need to worry about that first step depositing half a metric ton of pressure on his joints. He probably didn't get up in the morning and feel every step he took the day before in his hips and knees and ankles...and more to the point, he didn't waste any time wondering if he was even worth the effort, he just went. Part of me thinks he probably could have used a punch in the solar plexus but I guess since that's not an option I'll have to settle for grudging acquiescence.

It's been kind of a heavy couple of weeks, in every sense of the word. I am actually dizzy from swinging back and forth between feeling psyched about starting this new chapter - new personal project, new business, new everything - and feeling paralyzed with fear and doubt. But hey, fear and doubt and I are old buddies! We're comfortable together! We don't have to put up any pretenses in each other's company and they are the ones I run to when the going gets tough...but it's time to make some new friends - some that challenge me and make me better for being in their company. Yeah, it'll be uncomfortable for a while, but we'll just have to get used to each other!

So we're gonna do this. It'll be fun. Lots of you have written to tell me you're with me on this so I have something special in the works for all of you awesome sauces...and if you haven't written to me but want in, drop me a line! My email is always open.

Right then - to the brutally honest stuff: I'd be lying if I said being inside my head hasn't been freaking exhausting lately, although actually moving forward has been a welcome change. I spent this week re-learning how to behave myself (and we shall see tomorrow how well I did when I get on the horrid little platform in the bathroom that measures my self-worth...ha ha! Did I really just say that? Oh dear, definitely some work to do in that department), re-visiting some old favorite recipes (zucchini pasta ftw!!), and, when I got tired of wearing grooves in my brain with THINKING, I put on some youtube chef tutorials and learned to be a ninja with a kitchen knife!

Developing my knife skills is something I've always wanted to do - I love cooking and anything I can do to make my time in the kitchen more efficient is a plus...and really, whoever said violence doesn't solve anything never bashed through a pile of veggies with a really sharp knife, 'cause that shit feels AWESOME. It's an amazing stress reliever, and I have a backyard full of rhubarb to practice on. Fun!!

So what's up for this week? This week I am going to make myself feel better, dammit. It's time to stop fighting reality and go bra shopping (sorry dudes, you're here for the uncensored version) because my cups runneth over...and it's getting kinda old. For a while there I was thinking to myself that I refuse to purchase anything new to accommodate the extra weight - it wasn't supposed to stick around for long - and if I was going to move in the wrong direction then I damn well didn't deserve to feel comfortable doing it. The problem with that, though, is that it's really hard to get a good workout in a bra that doesn't fit. And you know what else sucks? It's really hard to ENJOY a good workout when you're feeling bad about falling out of your bra all over the place, or beating yourself up over back fat.

The sheer ridiculousness of that noise just hit me. Seriously? I've allowed my hang ups to interfere with the joy I derive from the very activity that will move me toward what I want? Tell me how that makes any sense. It's messed up, yo.

Well, no more.

Okay guys, tell me what you're gonna do for yourself this week!