Moving Forward Again

Dear World,
I got pretty angry at you last week. Now that we've had a few days to cool off, let's talk it out - what do you think?

I've had a crazy flood of messages come at me over the weekend, which is awesome (and really I was pretty overwhelmed at the outpouring of support so thanks again everyone) because my goal here is to call out the elephants in the room, to get people to notice them and acknowledge them and hey, maybe even start up a conversation and get some understanding going on both sides. Yes, I did mean for that double entendre to happen. Yes, it's a little offensive. But the shoe fits.

Here's the thing though, and a lot of you mentioned it - I dare say a lot more of you read my rant and thought it but didn't want to say anything - but don't worry, I was thinking it too:
Whose hang-up is this anyway? Am I just projecting all my own shit all over everyone? Is it my issue or everyone else's?

The answer is, it's gray area. (Okay, I'll stop with the double entendres now. Ha.) Of course lots of it came from my own head. Probably some of the people I ran into at the gym just didn't see me or recognize me...but it wasn't ALL me. There's no way. And this isn't just my problem, weight gain has a huge stigma attached to it, especially in the fitness industry...and I get why. I really do - and if I'm honest, I can't even disagree with it a hundred percent.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had recently with my boss: I was attempting to express to him my frustrations with being and feeling judged at work, that my current appearance isn't ME and I don't know less or feel like I should be worth less because I've gained 60lbs. After all, I didn't suddenly decide one day that to hell with this eating properly and exercising shit, I was just going to sit around and eat pizza and donuts...I developed a tumour which caused a hormone imbalance. I never stopped valuing healthy living,  it just LOOKS like I did.  His response (and he was matter-of-fact but not unkind) was that like it or not, as trainers it is our job to be paragons of good health, to be the inspiration, to model the lifestyle that we're selling. People judge based on what they see, I can't expect them not to and I have no real right to get angry about it.

So there's that. Here's what it really boils down to, though, and this is the conclusion that I've reached after stewing for days about how to deal, debating whether or not to even stay in this field, and wondering how to move forward in a body that doesn't seem to want to. Ready?

"After stewing in his emotions, emo veg comes to the 

conclusion that the root of the world's problems

 is that people don't seem to carrot all."

I could drive myself crazy trying to own everyone else's shit, trying to change the world and alter how people think and interact and function from day to day....or not. Instead I could just accept that all this body image stuff is my challenge to face, and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Either way, it's my choice, and I'm choosing not to make myself crazy. My efforts are better spent elsewhere - like on learning to feel like myself again!

So, dear world, think what you want. I don't have to know or care because the only opinions and prejudices I have to own are mine. It is not up to me to please you. I'm not sure where that leaves us but I think our relationship can grow from here now that we've re-balanced the power.