When I got up this morning, I did the usual stuff: went straight to the coffee maker, poured myself a cup, and sat down to see what was new in the world. What was new in MY world, I noticed in about five seconds, was that our internet was down. So today, instead of being passively entertained by news and clickbait, I did some sudoku's.
I know, I know - just about lost you there, didn't I? I could FEEL all of your eyes turning into little crosses as you died of boredom or clicked back to Facebook...but I promise that there's a point to this story. Bear with me, okay?
Now normally a sudoku puzzle takes me about ten minutes, and mistakes are unacceptable in my book - soon as I make a mistake on one, it's pooched so I ditch it and I start a new one. Today I thought I'd do something different and play for speed without worrying about a few mistakes. My app considers it a win if there are three mistakes or less anyway. And I learned something that hit me like a ton of bricks - something I'm sure I knew at some point but forgot. Are you ready?
It's okay to make mistakes. In fact, you learn and accomplish way more by making a mistake and fixing it than you do by tiptoeing around, making sure that zero mistakes happen. You know what else? WORSE MISTAKES HAPPEN when you get stuck in the trying-to-be-perfect rut.
Story time: I quit my job on Monday.
Lately I've been feeling pretty down about the fitness industry, fuelled partly by my frustration at still being overweight (STILL) and my perceived loss of credibility because of it, and partly because there really are an awful lot of people who judge based on appearances. A disproportionate number of them seem to be drawn to careers in this field...and where once upon a time I would have said that that's why this industry needs me (and others like me), now I was really beginning to wonder what I was doing here. If I was making a mockery of the career I've put my heart and soul into for almost ten years. If I was really just...well...ridiculous.
So with these thoughts gnawing away at the inside of my head, I've been going to work and going to school, trying to keep my head down, study hard, maintain a perfect GPA, be a good and a perfect employee...and I fucked up. I made a bad mistake with a new client, and when she called the gym to complain and I heard about it later, that was the last straw. I decided to hell with this career and this industry, that I was never going to have any credibility, and I'd never succeed in sorting my own health out as long as I kept feeling bad about it. I wrote my resignation letter, hit 'send', and took a deep breath. Done.
See, I forgot: I'm not perfect. I can't be. I don't have to be. And in trying to maintain that veneer of perfection, I nearly drove myself bonkers and made the worst mistake ever. I mean, quit my job? The one that I enjoy and look forward to going to? Ditch my career that I've worked hard to establish? That would have been stupid. But if I hadn't made that mistake I would still be in that nasty rut where nothing short of perfect was acceptable. Instead, I'm tapping away at my keyboard, slightly tipsy from drinking wine with dinner, and feeling like a TOTAL ASS. But that's okay. Feeling like an ass is better than feeling angry at myself for not being a superhero.
So what happened? Well, I have a pretty cool boss who wasn't prepared to accept my resignation without a good explanation...and when, choking back tears, I explained how disappointed in myself I've been for not being amazing, for a second he looked like he was going to laugh at me. "I think you're being a little hard on yourself," he said. We talked it over and he convinced me not to jump ship...I don't think I really wanted to anyway; who would I be if I wasn't a trainer?
So it worked out okay. I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the better of me...but given how much I was holding in, it was bound to all come busting out at some point. I was pushing too hard, stressing too much, and not forgiving myself for being worn out. Time to cut myself some slack maybe, and have some fun. If anyone needs me I'll be in the squat rack!
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