Sudoku, Perfection, and Quitting my job

When I got up this morning, I did the usual stuff: went straight to the coffee maker, poured myself a cup, and sat down to see what was new in the world. What was new in MY world, I noticed in about five seconds, was that our internet was down. So today, instead of being passively entertained by news and clickbait, I did some sudoku's.

I know, I know - just about lost you there, didn't I? I could FEEL all of your eyes turning into little crosses as you died of boredom or clicked back to Facebook...but I promise that there's a point to this story. Bear with me, okay?

Now normally a sudoku puzzle takes me about ten minutes, and mistakes are unacceptable in my book - soon as I make a mistake on one, it's pooched so I ditch it and I start a new one. Today I thought I'd do something different and play for speed without worrying about a few mistakes. My app considers it a win if there are three mistakes or less anyway. And I learned something that hit me like a ton of bricks - something I'm sure I knew at some point but forgot. Are you ready?

It's okay to make mistakes. In fact, you learn and accomplish way more by making a mistake and fixing it than you do by tiptoeing around, making sure that zero mistakes happen. You know what else? WORSE MISTAKES HAPPEN when you get stuck in the trying-to-be-perfect rut.

Story time: I quit my job on Monday.

Lately I've been feeling pretty down about the fitness industry, fuelled partly by my frustration at still being overweight (STILL) and my perceived loss of credibility because of it, and partly because there really are an awful lot of people who judge based on appearances. A  disproportionate number of them seem to be drawn to careers in this field...and where once upon a time I would have said that that's why this industry needs me (and others like me), now I was really beginning to wonder what I was doing here. If I was making a mockery of the career I've put my heart and soul into for almost ten years. If I was really just...well...ridiculous.

So with these thoughts gnawing away at the inside of my head, I've been going to work and going to school, trying to keep my head down, study hard, maintain a perfect GPA, be a good and a perfect employee...and I fucked up. I made a bad mistake with a new client, and when she called the gym to complain and I heard about it later, that was the last straw. I decided to hell with this career and this industry, that I was never going to have any credibility, and I'd never succeed in sorting my own health out as long as I kept feeling bad about it. I wrote my resignation letter, hit 'send', and took a deep breath. Done.

See, I forgot: I'm not perfect. I can't be. I don't have to be. And in trying to maintain that veneer of perfection, I nearly drove myself bonkers and made the worst mistake ever. I mean, quit my job? The one that I enjoy and look forward to going to? Ditch my career that I've worked hard to establish? That would have been stupid. But if I hadn't made that mistake I would still be in that nasty rut where nothing short of perfect was acceptable. Instead, I'm tapping away at my keyboard, slightly tipsy from drinking wine with dinner, and feeling like a TOTAL ASS. But that's okay. Feeling like an ass is better than feeling angry at myself for not being a superhero.

So what happened? Well, I have a pretty cool boss who wasn't prepared to accept my resignation without a good explanation...and when, choking back tears, I explained how disappointed in myself I've been for not being amazing, for a second he looked like he was going to laugh at me. "I think you're being a little hard on yourself," he said. We talked it over and he convinced me not to jump ship...I don't think I really wanted to anyway; who would I be if I wasn't a trainer?

So it worked out okay. I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the better of me...but given how much I was holding in, it was bound to all come busting out at some point. I was pushing too hard, stressing too much, and not forgiving myself for being worn out. Time to cut myself some slack maybe, and have some fun. If anyone needs me I'll be in the squat rack!

Group Hug!

Whoohoo, we made it - happy 2015!

Now that I'm done examining and reflecting and bitching about 2014, we can talk about what's going to be AWESOME this year.

I'm pretty excited. You know why? Because there's something really important that I kind of forgot last year as I was clawing my way along, and it bobbed to the surface when I stopped to think about the possibilities of a fresh start...and that really important idea is this:

LOVE is the catalyst for positive change.

What I mean by that is, of course, that steps in the right direction don't come from anger, fear, or aggression - the dark side are they!

Ha ha - sorry, I couldn't resist. But to change your life in a really positive way requires love. Want a healthy, fit body? Start loving it. Honour it for what it does for you and appreciate how it looks NOW. Want great relationships? Show the people closest to you how much they mean and get the cycle going. Want more career satisfaction? Get really fired up and excited about what you do, or if you can't, maybe think of doing something different...because otherwise, life can become a drag. But if you really love what you do and feel a sense of purpose...you know what I'm getting at.

So with that idea in mind, and armed with my non-resolutions (no feeling ashamed of myself and owning my behaviour and emotions), I hereby pledge that 2015 is going to be great. Maybe the best year yet. Are y'all with me?

To hell with the status quo and let's do what makes us happy. (You know, within reason - not endorsing anything crazy here.) For example, most of you know that my primary fitness goal is fat loss. I've felt super frustrated with my physicality for the last, oh, two and a half years, and I've been furiously training and obsessing over eating plans and beating myself up over the extra weight I carry around. I'm done with that.

Instead, I've switched over to a workout program that I genuinely enjoy: training for FREAKISH STRENGTH!  And I'm not stressing over my extra weight anymore, because that wasn't fun - all the negative self-talk, the wondering what people must think of that fat trainer, convincing myself that I have nothing to offer anyone because I don't look they way I should...instead, I am working on appreciating the body I have. Considering how mean I've been to it, it treats me pretty well. And really, it's high time I started returning the favor.

Of course, it's not an easy switch to make - changing a habitual line of thinking is like changing the course of a river after it's worn a deep valley in the ground...it's going to take a while to build a dam and force the water to go where you want it to go. Some little rivulets of nastiness are going to escape from time to time and go down the old path. It's inevitable - and it's okay. It's almost good because it's a reminder of how much the old thoughts hurt.

Hurt. Doesn't it seem sort of ridiculous that hurtful patterns can so easily turn into the default setting? Here's the thing though: changing that reflex to shudder inwardly when you pass a mirror actually feels good. I mean, it's kind of funny to force a good thought in front of a mirror because it feels so weird...but it's a good weird. Silly, even. But some silliness is a welcome change from the constant stream of not-good-enough-ness.

So gang, let's make a deal. In 2015, be happy. Do what gives you a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Honour yourself (even if it's a stretch) and the people closest to you. Pick up heavy stuff for fun. And stoke that big-ass love fire so that good things happen!