Building a really good fire takes some work. Once it's burning merrily, all you have to do is throw another log in every so often to keep it going.
If you run out of logs, eventually the fire will go out.
I'm not sure my fire is all the way out - there may still be some embers glowing away in there. In fact, I'm sure there are; you can't keep a bonfire that size going for years and expect it to just go out over a couple of months. But I am clean out of fuel to keep it going.
The fire I'm referring to here is the shame I have felt over my appearance for most of my life. I haven't wanted to write about this because I wanted to be sure before I put it out there. If you've been around here for a while you know that I've flip-flopped on this a few times. But something has changed over the last two months:
I have run right out of fucks to give on this matter.
And you know what? It feels great, but in a weird, guilty way - like I've stolen something and gotten away with it. Ever since I was a kid I've had it in my head that in order to be - what? Good? Worthy of love or respect? I had to be lithe, athletic, and competitive. Anything less was embarrassing and bad and needed fixing. I've been trying to hate myself thinner since I was ten years old.
So what changed? Well, it wasn't a single event. After the great gym meltdown of a couple of months ago and my subsequent decision to stop worrying about what other people thought and just be me (which seems trite when I put it like that but I promise it hasn't been easy), it seemed like the next logical step was to accept what is.
And what is, is this:
I am overweight, this is true. But I am not JUST overweight - I am so much more than that, that the weight thing doesn't even bear mentioning in this context. I'm a trainer, a musician, a writer, an athlete, mother, wife, sister, friend, foodie...
...and I have had it with tying myself into knots trying to look a certain way. I'm not even going to try anymore, 'cause here's the thing: I work out because I enjoy it. Finding where my limits are each day and pushing them just enough feels awesome. There's an art to building a really great exercise program that demands intuition, creativity, empathy, and oh yeah, some science doesn't hurt either I guess. Along the same lines, I eat well because it makes me feel good. But also, creating healthy recipes and meals that taste good and look pretty and help people feel like this eating well thing is manageable and sustainable, makes me ridiculously happy.
So this is me truckin' on, doing the same things I've always done...not doing them angrily and frantically in pursuit of a specific outcome (which still may be out of reach), but because those are the things I love the most. Did I mention I love lifting weights? Consider that weight LIFTED, bitches!
