Lessons learned in 2014

Well dear ones, it's been a while since I've posted but since it's the Eve of 2015 I think it's time. Right?

Right. Because if ever there was a time to do some reflection it's now - the old year is over and a fresh start awaits...but you can't properly wipe the slate clean and start anew unless you take a moment to reflect, to internalize the lessons learned in the past year, and to figure out what action to take in order to be better and make the world better in the coming year. And also to wipe your feet at the door in order to not track any of 2014's shit into the nice clean new year!

Now, the fitness industry gods may strike me dead for saying this, but I am not a New Year's Resolutionary; my thought is that if there's a change to be made then why wait? And if someone tries to sell you a detox or a cleanse just because it's January 1, RUN. Run away as fast as you can and keep your wallet firmly closed. What the New Year IS good for though, is recognizing life's ups and downs and charting your course based on what you want. Ready for me to wax all self-indulgent? Don't say I didn't warn you...

If I were to attach some words to my experiences over the past year, they would be turbulence. Upheaval. Crushing disappointment. Anger and frustration. And in the very last month of the year: hope. Cautious optimism. I'm not saying that 2014 was all bad - far from it. But I made some, well, interesting and impulsive business decisions. I was forced to take a really long look at why I chose my career...and at this point I don't mind telling you that I came VERY close to packing it in and finding something else to do. My physical health and fitness tanked. I watched my oldest daughter - my little clone, so like me in temperament that it freaks me out a bit - turn 11 and go into grade six, which to my total surprise, ripped open all the old wounds from my own experience at that age and brought all sorts of old anger and resentment to the surface. Relationships fell on their butts and needed to be rebuilt and re-defined. I learned a lot about why I am who I am, but I tell you it was not easy. Still, reality had to be faced and I am firm in my belief that no experience is wasted as long as you learn from it.

So what do I want from 2015? My greatest desire for this year is for some smooth sailing. I mean, I know that the one constant in life is change - that's inevitable - but I am 100% done with things coming crashing down around me. So to that end, I am committing to holding the wheel steady this year while I get back to basics.  I'm going back to school to finish what I started ten years ago, I'm playing music again (how on earth did I live without that for so long? How did I forget how much fun it is?), and I'm letting go of all the drama and shit that got stirred up in 2014.

Two big themes stick out in my mind as I take stock of the past year, and this is what I will carry forward into 2015:

1. Shame sucks. I spent lots of time being ashamed of myself in 2014 - ashamed of how I look, ashamed of how I feel about things, ashamed of how I deal (or don't deal) with adversity. Well, fuck shame. I will not be ashamed of myself anymore. There, I said it. And...

2. I am responsible for only one person's happiness: mine. This is something that I have fought with for my whole life, and it isn't over...but here's the thing: I spent lots of time and energy over the past twelve months feeling angry for two reasons. One, that others had expectations of me that I couldn't meet, and two, that I had expectations of others that they didn't live up to. All the time I spent steaming and stewing over those feelings wasn't wasted; I needed to work through them and deal with them...and what I ended up with is this: I own my feelings. I don't own anyone else's.

2014 was a rough year, full of crises and emotional wreckage and personal and professional rebuilding. It also had moments of sheer beauty and wonder and awesomeness that can only be truly appreciated when surrounded with adversity. I don't regret a second of it...but I'm glad it's over and looking forward to charting some new territory. Oh, and 2014? Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.