Swing of the Century

Remember THE CHAT from my previous post? It happened. Since it happened, I haven't been able to sleep because of all the feels...but let me back up a bit and tell the story properly.

Wednesday afternoon I got into my car to go meet S from Jocks Inc. I was feeling pretty good - I mean, I had absolutely nothing to lose at this point, I had a plan in my head to keep control over the conversation, and I had a mental checklist of points that I wanted to make. Nothing to be nervous about whatsoever.

But. 

As I neared the coffee shop where the meeting was to take place, the nerves came tromping in like latecomers to a classical music performance, shuffling and snorting and rattling and generally causing a disturbance to all the organized thoughts that had shown up on time and were sitting quietly. As the nerves settled into their front row seats, lots of the organized thoughts got pissed off and left...and as I took my seat across from S (who did not match the mental picture I had of him AT ALL), the only thing I really wanted to accomplish was to not projectile vomit onto his shirt. 

After the usual pleasantries had been exchanged, S launched into kind of a boring diatribe about finding the right fit for the company and blah blah blah. I don't remember much of that part of the conversation except that I wondered what on earth that stuff could possibly have to do with me since I had already been rejected on somewhat questionable grounds, and I was also busy trying to scrape some intelligent thoughts back together. Then he thanked me for writing the letter and commented that it must have really taken a lot of strength and courage to write it, and that it gave him some context in which to place the feedback that he'd heard from the two guys who had met with me - namely that there was a disconnect between the skill and experience that I had demonstrated and my physical appearance. 

"Obviously, we both know what the problem is." 

Right. And with that comment, all my organized thoughts came back. And you know what? We had a really great discussion about what's wrong with the fitness industry (lots), about mindset, work ethic, coaching, flexing to accommodate different personalities, how to best help the people who need it most (the people who are LEAST likely to walk in the door). I was brutally honest and I didn't hold back one bit, and it felt really good to just come out and say it all and have an open conversation. Some things he said irked me - he asked me if I had worked with a dietitician (of course I have) and if I was willing to give that another shot. At one point he commented that "at least (I was) doing something about it". Toward the middle of the conversation he said, "I have one more question for you, and it's a sensitive one: how do I sell you to clients?" To which I said, I've walked a mile in just about everyone's shoes at this point. I've been overweight, out of shape, in shape, strong, weak, I've gone through pregnancy, childbirth, I've juggled being a working mom who's trying to find time to fit it all in, I've been a competitive athlete and a total couch potato, I've struggled through depression and low self-esteem, injuries, menopause, eating clean consistently and eating shit consistently. I know how to train and coach and I'm good at my job and my track record speaks for itself regardless of what's below my shoulders at this moment. He asked me if I was comfortable sharing my story with clients, with other trainers and other gym members....to which I said, absolutely - I have nothing to hide; in fact I have already put all my baggage on the internet for the entertainment of all!

From there the conversation drastically changed course. He asked me where I was at as far as career development and headspace were concerned.

Then he asked me what my salary expectation was. And started telling me all about their benefits plan, expectations of trainers, and what I should expect of them as an employer. And what kind of hours did I want to work, keeping in mind that work/life balance is important?  I was taken aback by this and told him so...I was not expecting to answer job interview-type questions; I figured that door was closed. 

After a good two hours of conversation, S thanked me for creating an environment where we could talk freely about stuff without being awkward or embarrassed, and confessed that he had been extremely nervous and uncomfortable going into this meeting. He wanted to think about whether or not there was a fit between Jocks Inc. and me, and said I had given him lots to consider...and that was that.

It felt good to be heard, it really did. And whether or not it pans out, I figure it doesn't matter because I've said what I needed to say. That we are all SO MUCH MORE than what we appear to be on the surface, and the fitness industry forgets about that sometimes. It's so busy marketing sex appeal and superficial bullshit that it forgets that what's important is living life, feeling good, and nuturing good relationships,especially with ourselves. And to be ABLE to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at us.

Ok Society, I am coming for your broken ass!

Summer can be a slow time for the training business. Especially if you try and start a training business in the spring, and don't give yourself enough time to build before the summer months kick your business in the tenders....which is why, a few weeks ago, I gave up and put some resumes out.

I was scared, you see, and feeling pretty beaten. I wanted some security back. I didn't feel like swimming upstream anymore.

Anyway, one of the people I contacted was the manager of a local training studio who had tried to recruit me in the past. In spite of being on holidays, he immediately arranged for me to come in and meet his assistant. That went great - conversation flowed easily and by the end of the hour we were discussing how I'd bring my clients in and when I'd start. He booked a job shadowing session with one of their senior trainers so that they could check out how I train and test my skills.

That day went well too - the trainer had seen my resume and commented that he thought I had a lot to offer and that he wouldn't mind learning a few things from me. I also met the head honcho of the company that day, but only in passing. I left that day feeling excited about this new opportunity, relieved that I wouldn't have to work alone anymore, and happy that I'd be able to take the financial stress of starting a business off my family.

Except that after that, I didn't get a phone call. Or an email, or a text, or message in a bottle or singing telegram or anything. A week went by.

I began to wonder if it was because the manager was still on holidays...or if I had said the wrong thing. I replayed both meetings in my head over and over again, trying to recall some hint that things had gone sideways. And there was also this niggly little nasty thought: maybe it's because I'm too fat.

Another week went by and I sent the assistant manage that had interviewed me a text - just to ask if they had made a decision either way since time was going by and I needed to get my clients booked.

No reply.

Now, I was beginning to feel pretty sure that my appearance had been the deal breaker. I voiced that idea to my mother (who has been known to be pretty outspoken when she feels that injustice is at work) and she told me in no uncertain terms that I should march in there, demand an audience with the management, and explain that the reason I'm fat is because of a hormone imbalance and ask them to reconsider.

Ugh.

I went back and forth on this idea. One side of me was mad as hell. Why should I have to explain the way I look? I don't owe anyone that. I was more than qualified for the position, did two good interviews, and if they were going to write me off due to the width of my ass rather than what's between my ears then fuck them.

On the other hand though...part of me wanted to explain myself. I am most emphatically not a couch potato who doesn't value or practice what they preach, and I also HATE it - HATE IT - when people, especially gym-ratty fitness types, look at overweight people and assume that they are not worthy of respect, or that carrying extra weight represents some kind of character flaw. Remember, folks - never put the ASS in assume!

Right then - I was gonna do it. Not to beg for a job - no freakin' way - but to explain myself and at least make them squirm a little bit. Maybe make them think for a minute before they judge someone else based on their appearance.

So here's the letter I wrote, and the response. (Names and identifying details have been changed). I'll
keep you guys posted...but here's one certainty that has come out of this: Gray Area Fitness isn't going anyplace! If nothing else this experience has taught me that the world needs a fitness studio where NO ONE gets judged, and I'm gonna make that happen.

Maybe I should go and thank those guys for reminding me what's important!


Hi S,

Hope you had a great holiday!
Since it has been two weeks since I did my shadowing session and I haven't heard back from anyone there (in spite of having left a message on July 28th), I can only assume that you guys have decided that I'm not a good fit for your company. I feel that as we all have invested the time and energy in going as far as an interview and then job shadowing, a follow up phone call or email is warranted to let me know whether or not you want to proceed with an offer of employment. I would also like the opportunity to ask what it was that I missed since evidently we are not taking that step. I felt that the interview went well - J did have me proceed to the shadowing stage so I think he was satisfied with my qualifications - and I also felt that P was happy with my skills at the job shadowing/training session.

I was excited about the chance to work with Jocks Inc. and felt like it was going to be a good fit, so I confess I am disappointed that I haven't heard back either way and the start date that I discussed with J has come and gone. Since I don't believe it was my skill set that was the deal breaker, I want to call out the elephant in the room and offer an explanation.

I know I am currently overweight and as such, do not offer up a physique that is inspiring at first glance. I also know that on the surface, nobody would choose a fat fitness trainer since it doesn't look like they value optimal health and fitness. If that is the reason why I have not been offered employment, I would invite you to please just come out and say it. I know it's awkward and not politically correct but I get that trainers *should* be leaner and look more fit than the average person who is seeking guidance from them.

On the other hand, there is always another side to the story. I have not always looked the way I do now and I don't plan to remain this way for long. To make a (very) long story short, three years ago I developed a health condition that took a really long time to diagnose, and by the time it was identified, it had progressed to the point where my whole endocrine system had crashed and I had developed severe hypothyroidism. I gained 50lbs inside of a year, and when the rapid weight gain started I had not changed my lifestyle in the least - I was training six days a week and eating clean. As the illness and the weight gain continued and I felt worse, I had to make some concessions in my training schedule in order to save energy to keep working and caring for my family. Once I started treatment (last April), however, things have slowly gotten better. Because my endocrine system had slipped so far, treating it has had to happen in several stages and I only started treatment for the hypothyroidism two weeks ago.

So, I assure you that I hold the values that I teach my clients very dear, and I love training hard and being fit. I fully expect that I will finish the Super Spartan race in Red Deer in September and I will test for my black belt in taekwondo in November, and I will look like myself again within the year.

That's my story. Maybe I should have taken time to explain that in my interview. I elected not to because part of me thinks I shouldn't have to explain the way I look, but I know we work in an appearance-centred industry (which is unfortunate) and modelling the lifestyle is part of the job.
I do think that my experience in the last year gives me a unique perspective and it can only benefit my clients further.

I am open to discussing this further if you'd like to talk about it. If not, that's okay too but I needed to put it out there. Thanks for reading!

Yours,

Hannah Gray

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for your email and your your present situation. I would also sincerely like to apologize for the disrespectful way in which this matter had been handled.
Would you still be prepared to meet with me? It will not be to offer you a position with us currently but to just chat.
S